How about a joke thread?

[cmccuist]

A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend waiting with her bags packed. He asks, "What's wrong? Where are you going?"

She says, "The neighbors told me you were a pedophile!"

The guy says, "Hold on there missy! That's an awfully big word for a 10-year-old."

[craigster59]

Guy comes home and says "Honey, pack your bags! I just won the lottery!" Wife says "Should I pack summer or winter clothes?" Husband says "I don't care, as long as you're out of the house by midnight!"

[NY65912]

While at the zoo on a beautiful Sunday morning little Johnny observes the elephants and asks his mom a few questions,

"Mom, what is that hanging down from the elephant?"
"Johnny that's his trunk, you know, he eats with it and makes sounds with it".
"No Mom, not the trunk, I know what the trunk is, the other thing near his butt."
"Oh, that's his tail, you know, he brushes flys away with it".
"No Mom, not the tail, I know what the tail does, the other thing hanging down".
"That's nothing Johnny, nothing!"

Johnny's Dad returns after picking up a few things at the snack bar.

"Dad?
"Yes Johnny."
"Dad, what is that hanging down from the elephant?"
"Johnny that's his trunk, you know, he eats with it and makes sounds with it".
"No Dad, not the trunk, I know what the trunk is, the other thing near his butt."
"Oh, that's his tail, you know, he brushes flys away with it".
"No Dad, not the tail, I know what the tail does, the other thing hanging down".
"Oh.......that.
"Mom says that's nothing!"

"Well,......... that's because your mother's spoiled Johnny!"

[pwd72s]

SEX AFTER DEATH?

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy..........Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"



“No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

[teenerted1]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to
see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and
I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party.'

[teenerted1]

This is good regardless of what side you're on....................
might have already been posted here...but worth a repost






President Bush, decides to leave the Ranch and go out to sit in a local Crawford bar.



A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says,

'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big breasts.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big breasts?

Why kill a blonde with big tits?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'.

[Targa Me]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

[liza2010]

I think its a good idea to make a joke thread bcoz it make laugh the peoples
I post a joke:

3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

[porsche4life]

Three nuns from the same convent all die on the same day and before they can get into heaven they meet St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says before any of them can gain access they need to wash the part of their body that has been touched by a penis with a cup of holy water.

The first nun steps up and uses the water to wash her hands.

The second nun is about to grab the cup but the third nun rushes to St. Peter and says ”if you think I am going to gargle with that water after SHE puts her ass in it, you are all crazy.”

[Hendog]

Have you ever wondered if life would be better backwards?


You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, when you start working, they throw a party & you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day …


And then, your life ends as an orgasm.

[Racerbvd]

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdlebwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her little arms, leans
forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,






















































"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[teenerted1]

TEXAS DEPUTY SHERIFF vs. SMART ASS LAWYER



Only in Texas my friends...Only in Texas ....Too bad...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , TX . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.'
The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

God Bless Texas ........

[pwd72s]

Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw, crap..." says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

[URY914]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took
the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50%
of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the
muffler, which I've never seen done in my
entire career"

[GH85Carrera]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small
numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number,
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[pwd72s]

*HISTORY OF PROFILING*

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said: "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[Racerbvd]

The Vegas Hooker



A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually
asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars??? For a hand-job! Holy crap, no Hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the McDonalds's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that Wendy's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own
them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once... I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting
on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a
lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I
suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see
that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I
own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every penny of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides
to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "OK, Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one Glorious and
unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to Show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

[dafischer]

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

[Racerbvd]

Originally Posted by dafischer

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated ... . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Was she hot??????????????????

An elderly woman in the deep South finds herself in financial difficulties
and had to get a job. Luckily she found one in a hardware store, even though
she knew nothing about hardware. A customer came in and said he needed a
file.

"What kind of file?" she asks.

"I need a flat bastard," he replies.

"Sir! You shouldn't use foul language in front of a lady!"

He replies that he was just giving the name of the file.

So she calls the manager and he confirms, explaining that that is the name
of the kind of file he wants.

So she is still indignant but calms down and waits for the next customer. A
Cajun guy comes in and he, too, asks for a file.

The lady, having come to terms with files, asks, "Do you want a flat
bastard?"

"Naw," he says. "Just give me one of those little round mother-f**kers."

[Porsche-poor]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt
Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at
the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I
went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!



Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole Story before you
interrupt!