How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

A VERY SHORT LOVE STORY




A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.






Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.


At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."



"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."



"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.



"'Good", she replied "Get your own damn blanket."



After a moment of silence,
he farted.

The End

[GH85Carrera]

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this
prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I
currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not
the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current
economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into
consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for
over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to
start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an
extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the
Mortgage Company!

[Joe Bob]

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.



REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.




POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.



CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Bill Clinton likes the ones with the big udders.

[teenerted1]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway nextto a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out
of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow
man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response "Well, I'll be darned!" Then
returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had
said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry... I didn't
mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"*
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading
here that the Pope does."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offeringthe answer.

[teenerted1]

An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down, so he goes down to the club to enquire why. Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.



Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.



Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.



Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.



Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.



Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that




Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus, but this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.

[MBAtarga]

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you, sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000. The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs... After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Cody, Wyoming"

"Really", she said. "I have family in Cody".

"I know." the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."


The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Note - Lawyers, please take no offense!

[MBAtarga]

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, she knocked on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."


Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."


A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."


An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[Racerbvd]

The
redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a
baby.



Upon
arriving, the nurse says,

"Congratulations,
your wife has had quints, five big baby
boys."



The
redneck says, "I'm not surprised; I have a penis on me like a
chimney."



The nurse
replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. The babies
are all black."

[dafischer]

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a Cherokee medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, he handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does,the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she,

asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"




And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle

[cbush]

Man



Man is a woman's best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do;

to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions

and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.









No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.

[Racerbvd]

Why...

"A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this ****?"

[oldE]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became
confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar
stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'


Les

[Porsche-poor]

1. The sport of choice for the urban lower middle class is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[Joe Bob]

> 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
>
>
> 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
>
>
> 3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
>
>
> 4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
>
>
> 5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
>
>
>
>
>
> THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Answers:
>
> 1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
>
> 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
>
> 3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
>
> 4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
>
> 5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

[Joe Bob]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me

wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye,

did ya now? And what was your toast?"
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about

you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in

the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Racerbvd]

FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
...Over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "





He replied, " No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints. "

[Racerbvd]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked..

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Kill any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked..
"How can you tell them apart?"


He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.





One day, Jimmy Jack Pinfeather was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

' Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

' Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jack, let me tell you what happened.

We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.

Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck!

'Bubba, yo're a smart man!Them clothes woulda never fit you!'



"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
--Albert Einstein

[Racerbvd]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.


The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'What you order?'


The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'








'Ahso, I so sorry,' says the waiter,

'I bring you Peeking Duck'.



Yeah... I know...
(Please... no fowl language!)

[GH85Carrera]

A pilot gets home late..............

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work in his hanger at the airport with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the airport."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop,
we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't **** me;
YOU WENT FLYING, DIDN'T YOU?

[Joe Bob]