How about a joke thread?

[Baz]

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even
the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a
ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one
corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly
incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15 th story window 100
yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade
75 yards away, right into a
chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a
passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!"
Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and
teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the
Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great
hero of football, the coach asks him what he wants, all the young
man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into
the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to
you, the old woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you
understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting
event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring
fans."

"No! Let me tell you!", his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are
gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,… "I will never forgive you for making us
move to Chicago!

[sammyg2]

A few days ago I had just finished with a rather lengthy and unpleasant trip to the restroom.

My wife asked if I noticed the new air freshener she had bought.
I said, the one with the orange, lemon and lime on the label?
She said yes, that's the one.
I told her i noticed it.
She said, well did you try it?
I nodded yes.
She presses on, well .... what did it smell like?

I thought about it for a minute, and then replied "shhitrus".

(works better without the filter but you get the idea)

[GH85Carrera]

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with great anticipation,then crawled into bed, only to find her husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ' It's Lent.' In tears, she sobbed, ' Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!'
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

[GH85Carrera]

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in
the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my
own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry
a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice.
'Makes your willy look bigger.'

[dafischer]

POLITICALLY INCORRECT


I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

A 10-year Old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

A few years ago, I asked my friend why are Mexicans putting those tiny little steering wheels on their cars ? He said “don’t you know anything, it makes it easier to drive with hand cuffs on”.

After paying a prostitute for her services, the fellow said to her ” I am surprised that you do not sweat much for a fat girl ”. She replied: “ I am surprised that you don’t pee on your shoes more often”;

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

[GH85Carrera]

The Pastor and his false teeth...

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[mossguy]

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumba$$ put him up there to begin with."

Cheers
JB

[sammyg2]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from the big city and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to acomplete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"

[sammyg2]

An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[GH85Carrera]

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together..

Sacha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


Anonymous


'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.�� It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison


'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


James Holt McGavra


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....


Nash


You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.


Henny Youngman


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


Rodney Dangerfield





A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous



First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'


Anonymous

[porsche4life]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[sammyg2]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..
Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast !!!

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Rural Australia Computer Terminology -
Getting ready for Broadband in the bush!!

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..
BYTE: What mozzies do
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A pub snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed, the dunny or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing stuff.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to go fishing.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

[BK911]

Getting arrested by an attractive female cop.
Anything you say can and will be held against you.
I yelled, "boobies!!"

[GH85Carrera]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[GH85Carrera]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, get me the finest biech, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's biech."

[sammyg2]

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got !"

[sammyg2]

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade
6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started
writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a
giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"


"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."


"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."


The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very
top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder
giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"


"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."


Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."


Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.


"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well
teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[Shifter]

"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jet-fire testimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.

The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection!

Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.