How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," saidTom, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen,"Tom replied.She ran out of the room.

[Geronimo '74]

Originally Posted by Baz

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"Mom, what are you doing to Dad?"

Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him - he's too fat."

The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

same but different:

A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks,
"What are you doing?"

Mom replies, "Uhm..., we're doing gymnastics"

The little girl replies, "Better close the drapes then, or the neighbours might think you're fu cking...."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. I bet you are glad you don't live in Indonesia!
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception:
Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is America a great country or what?) Well... Not as great as Guam!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???) Did our Government pay for this research??
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An Ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their ass.
(And you thought you had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this. If you need to reach me in the future,

I will be In Guam!

Cheers
JB

[wdfifteen]

What did the Islamist extremist say to the ISIS recruiter?
"Jihad me at hello."

[Norm K]

Why are camels called "The Ships of the Desert"?

Because they're full of Arab semen.




~

[wdfifteen]

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye's-911T

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

A visitor was walking with a farmer across his pasture. There were two small spaces fenced off on a hill in the middle of the pasture.
"What's that all about?" ask the visitor.
"That place over there is where I first had sex, and that spot over there is where her mother stood and watched."
"She watched? What the heck did she have to say about it?"
"Bahhhh..."

[lane912]

Dahhhhhhhhdy

[JJ 911SC]

I wish this was a joke

New Element Discovered

Toronto University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years (in Canada). It does not decay, but instead undergoes a re-organization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[72doug2,2S]

Why did the fish receive a poor report card?

Because all his grades came under a 'sea'

[GH85Carrera]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death..
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burritos, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

[fastfredracing]

Yesterday, I accidentally ate two pieces of string. Later that night, they came out my anus tied together. I **** you knot. they were tied together.

[widebody911]

I knew a muslim guy who was perpetually late for everything; we called him 9/12

[dafischer]

What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?

A mechanic.

[Norm K]

Why are semen and urine different colors?

So the Irish guy knows if he's going or cumming.

[charlesbahn]

A minister was driving down the highway and was stopped for speeding. The state trooper smelled alcohol on his breath, and then he saw an empty wine bottle on the floor. So he said, “Sir, have you been drinking tonight?” The minister replied, “Just water, officer.” The trooper asked, “Then why do I smell wine?” The minister looked down at the bottle and said, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”

[dennis in se pa]

OK. An earlier Amish joke reminded me of this....

Amish girls Becky and Rachel were out digging potatoes.
Becky comes up with a big one and says
Why Rachel look, this looks like Jake's balls!
Rachel says Really Becky, are Jake's balls that big?
No, says Becky, but they're that dirty!

[dafischer]

Shortest prostate exam ever...

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting

[cashflyer]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn't like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

[Tobra]

A beautiful co-ed approached her professor, and whispered seductivley in his ear, "I would do anything to get an good grade in your class.

"You are willing to do anything to get a good grade, really?"

"Yes, I would do anything"







"If you are willing to do anything for a good grade, why don't you go home and study"