How about a joke thread?

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye's-911T

Caveat: Might be a repeat as is fast becoming the case.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $52,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Cheers
JB

Thats nuthin' stated the nearby proctologist. Do all that through the tailpipe.

[wdfifteen]

The Lone Ranger was out riding his horse Silver through Indian country when he found himself surrounded by hostile Indians. They took him from his horse and led him to the chief. Chief say, "Tomorrow you die!" Lone Ranger says, "Please spare my horse, he is very smart, watch." Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear and Silver raised up on his back hooves and dances in a circle. The Chief was very impressed. "Show more!"
Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear again and Silver takes off like he's been shot out of a gun. Silver comes back in a couple hours with brunette from the brothel in the next town. The Chief has is way with her and they spend the night passing her around amongst his braves. The next morning the Chief says, "Very good. But tomorrow you die!"
Lone Ranger again shows the Chief one of Silver's tricks, and the Chief is impressed. "Show more!" he says. Lone Ranger whispers into the horse's ear and Silver takes off like he's been shot out of a gun. Silver comes back in a couple hours with blonde from the brothel in the next town. The Chief has is way with her and they spend the night passing her around amongst his braves. The next morning the Chief says, "Very good. But tomorrow you die!"
The Long Ranger is furious with his horse. The Indians are fixing to tie him to a post and Silver seems to be running out of tricks. This time the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him straight in the eye and says, "I told you bring POSSE to dumb animal!"

[dafischer]

Some of these stories just bring a tear to my eye, especially when they are about precious little girls…

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

"The whole ISIS group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore.”

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. ”

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of them."

[GH85Carrera]

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves.... But the maniac stays.

[GH85Carrera]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party at the Do Bar in Great Falls, Montana. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife moved on up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little romp.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the casino and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[fred cook]

Why did all of the chickens cross the road?

So they would be "poultry in motion"!

[patz]

[Bob Kontak]

Why don't Mormons do it standing up?

Because people would think they are dancing.



(Side note - Mormons are allowed to dance but I heard this joke in the 70's. They are coached to refrain from modern suggestive dancing - which may include twerking)

[Mothy]

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

11 - one to change the light bulb and 10 to serve refreshments after.


(Side note - my Mormon neighbours told me that one)

[URY914]

Barack Obama.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by Mothy

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

11 - one to change the light bulb and 10 to serve refreshments after.


(Side note - my Mormon neighbours told me that one)

A sense of humor is good. Folks that told me the dancing joke were extremely religious.They went to the edge to tell me that one.

[oldE]

Spambot reported

Les

[GH85Carrera]

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[dafischer]

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.

Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three
words that no man wants to hear:

"Who Was That?"

[GH85Carrera]

As I slipped my finger slowly inside the hole, I could immediately feel it getting wet.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat."

[dafischer]

Obama and Putin were walking out in the countryside, enjoying the scenery and the mild fall weather.
While on a quiet trail, they came across a sheep. The sheep tried to get away, but its head became caught in the wire fencing.
The poor critter was stuck.

Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep, dropped his drawers, and had his way with it.
When Putin was done, he turned to Obama and said, "Go ahead; it's your turn!"
Without a second thought, Obama walked over and stuck his head in the wire fencing.

[dafischer]

It was George the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom, where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All of this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Screw him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

[wdfifteen]

THANK YOU!
I now have a Cleveland Browns joke for my brother, a die-hard Browns fan.

I heard a cat crying outside and opened the door to see the Cleveland Browns starting team playing football with a cat! I was about to call the ASPCA when the cat scored a touchdown and recovered a fumble on the ensuing kickoff.

[GH85Carrera]

A traveling salesman was visiting a farm. As he drove past the pig pens he noticed a pig with a wooden leg...
Being perplexed about it he asked the farmer about the pig during his sales call.
You want to know about that pig? Said the farmer….
Well I’ll tell ya’….
That pig stopped someone from stealing my tractor one day. He busted out of his pen and bit the thief and held him until I got there…
I’ll tell you of another story about that pig...
Our farmhouse had a fire at night while we were sleeping. He broke out of his pen knocked down the door and squealed until we all woke up and got out of the house safe...
The salesman still perplexed said but why does the pig have a wooden leg?
The farmer said that’s not the kind of pig you eat all at once

[dafischer]

In Destin, Florida, the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

Someone broke the window, stole the radio, shot out all four of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "Hope this helps."