How about a joke thread?

[bkreigsr]

Lady in the dentist's chair receives the news she needs a root canal.
ROOT CANAL !!!!! I'd rather go through child birth again!!!!
Dentist responds - 'Well, make up your mind - I have to adjust the chair'

(Buddy Hackett on Carson ~ 1973)

[GH85Carrera]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

[GH85Carrera]

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[GH85Carrera]

The New 2015 Ford

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, it can be a real ***** to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

[dafischer]

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Hendersonville, NC.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Last night, I beat the ever-living stuffing out of a flag burning, cop hating, Obama loving protester."

The priest says, "My son, I’am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

[Rusty Heap]

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room
immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going
to jump out the window.

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a
maintenance matter."

[1990C4S]

A priest checks into a hotel and says to the attendant 'I hope the porn channel is disabled'.

He replies 'No, it's normal able bodied porn. You sick ****'.

[BE911SC]

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on eBay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on eBay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month.

[BE911SC]

Still my favorite joke:

Once upon a time an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!!!!"

And the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard b i t c h ing and never had to pay child support or alimony and kept his house and cars and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End.

[fred cook]

A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his pistol and yells, "I have a Colt .45 Auto with seven rounds in the magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!

A voice from the back of the room calls out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

[fred cook]

Why is an Alabama football fan like a maggot?

Because they can both live off of a dead bear for 20 years!

[fred cook]

What does a University of Georgia grad do with his/her diploma?

Leaves it on the dash of their car so they can park in the handicapped spaces!

[fred cook]

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar, stops in the middle of the bar, looks around and says:

"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"!

[charlesbahn]

Subject: Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors
a)~ Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
b)~ 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
c)~ 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
d)~ Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
e)~ Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
f)~ Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
g)~ 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
h)~ 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
j)~ Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
k)~ 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
l)~ Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
m)~ 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
n)~ 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
o)~ 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen
p)~ 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

[oldE]

As one rabbit said to his buddy, "I just washed my thing and can't do a hare with it!"

Best
Les

[GH85Carrera]

Why Men Die First
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. But it requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If she asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.


So: Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

[GH85Carrera]

Why Men Die First
Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. But it requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ... it's male indifference.
If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination.
If she asks you ... it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert.
If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain.
If you don't ... you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers ... you're after something.
If you don't ... you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself.
If you don't ... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache ... she's tired.
If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often ... you're oversexed.
If you don't ... there must be someone else.


So: Why do men die first?

Because they want to.

[Don Ro]

Glen, this one's for you - - an old one from my college days.
~~~~~~~
A salesman was given an assignment to attend a conference in Boston.
His associate, who was born there, suggested that he try the Scrod at a good restaurant.
"Scrod?", the salesman asked.
"It's actually Cod, prepared deliciously different.", replied the associate.
.
On the way from the airport to his hotel room, the salesman asked the cab driver, "Where can a fellow get scrod around here?"
The cabby said, "You know. I've heard that question a thousand times before, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

[GH85Carrera]

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

[charlesbahn]