Chili cook off.

[Zeke]

Sorry if this is all over the Internet. It was emailed to my wife at work.





Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the
pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
butt with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #
3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[sketchers356]

There is no hope for me.

[craigster59]

Originally Posted by sketchers356

There is no hope for me.

You read the whole thing, didn't you..

[cgarr]

A real sphincter tester..

[3.2 CAB]

I really enjoyed reading that! I am still having to wipe my eyes from laughing so much. It brings back the memories of the chili cook-offs that I used to go to when I still lived in Texas. Certain parts of this "report" do remind me of how some of the cook-offs actually went. It was at some of them, that I learned, that there are actually physical limits of just how much HOT CHILI, that some people from locations from outside of Texas. I saw this several times at the different Texas cook-offs. Some of the poor judges, thought that this was going to be "no big deal" they usually try to have a few, Native Texan Born Ringer's as some of the judges. Then they hit the crowd, with a list of people that wanted to be a guest Judge, that had been made up from the guest judge registration forms. I really think they target areas of the country, that are not really known for very spicy or HOT food. They try to find ones that look like they would maybe max-out at just a very MILD CHILI. Then the chili was sampled, one entrants chili, then another's was tested. The judges were actually going from the mildest to the engine cleaner, known as, Dave's Instant Insanity Habanero Chili. EMT's were on hand and were needed for to of the "foreigner judges" one judge had to have his lips, tongue and and the entire area inside their mouth sprayed with a liquid Lidocaine spray, and another had to have the Lidocaine spray and a couple of the Eppi-Stiks, followed by a breathing treatment, because the had started going into Anaphylactic Shock! After the medical intervention and the minor treatment received, everyone was fine.

[WolfeMacleod]

I like nice, spicy food. Not extreme, but enough to warm you up a bit.
"hot" foods that I cannot even sense the heat in will light my wife on fire.

[sammyg2]

My wife's maiden name is Gallegos, 1st generation of her family born in this country (her father and mother immigrated LEGALLY) and she can't eat my chili case it's too hot. She even says my spaghetti is too hot for her. I like hot spicy food

I put hot sauce on almost everything, except ice cream. that's just gross.
My favorite is sriracha. I go through a 17 ounce bottle about once a month.

[bivenator]

Yes sammyg the sriracha is a tasty product and made here in the US. 17 oz in a month is laying it on thick.

[onewhippedpuppy]

No hope for me, but I'll have to try that sriracha.

[sammyg2]

Sriracha isn't killer hot but it has a strong but mellow kick. Make sure you shake it up good.
I really like it because it actually has a flavor other than vinegar. It is almost tomatoey, but not sweet. I got hooked on it at a local terriyaki bowl place that served it.
It's on my eggs in the morning, sandwiches during the day, and dinner at night. I even keep a bottle in the fridge at work.
I like it in my bbq marinade and put it in hamburger meat, most of the hotness cooks out but the good flavor stays. Kicks up burgers and meatloafs
Works good on pork ribs too.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I'm usually a Louisiana Hot Sauce man, but that stuff sounds right up my alley.

[IROC]

I've gone through a few bottles of this and it's pretty good stuff:

[gassy]

I'll pick up a bottle this weekend--never tried it...thanks for the laugh Milt

[Joeaksa]

The whole crew went out to Mex food here in Dubai last night. Saddled up to the bar and got the chips and salsa going. Asked the gent here for the "good stuff"... He came back with some better mixings and we tried it, then asked him "is this the best you can do?"

Most of the workers over here are from India and he came back with something from the kitchen that he said "no one can ever eat" while placing it in front of us. He returned in a few minutes and you could not believe the look on his face when he realized that the salsa bowl was empty and it was in our guts.

Then we told him that one of us was from Tejas, engineer's family is from Mexico and I am from Arizona. The two flight attendents wussed out... Then we moved on to the real meal but he said we were the first who had ever done that before. If it does not burn on its way out its not spicy!

[pwd72s]

Thanks for the laugh, Milt...I'm one of those maybe a bit of tabasco with eggs guys...

[3.2 CAB]

The Sriracha, or, Garlic Pepper Sauce, does not have any tomatoes in it. I have been eating it for many years. I first found it in S.E. Asia. After all of the influx of immigrants from Viet Nam, they established areas with Vietnamese stores in the areas like a "China Town" Houston had a "Little Saigon" The original Thai sauce, was in a smaller glass jar, about the size of a smaller jelly jar, and was much, much HOTTER than it is now, and it had a more robust flavor, and it had a similar looking rooster on the jar. 1 jar would last for a very long time, because it did not take much at all to fire things right up, and still have great flavor. The flavor is close to the same, but the scoville heat units are not what they used to be. The squeeze bottles are easier to just squirt some into what ever you want to zip up, but the original was more coarse, and it would not be able to used from a squirt bottle, unless it was the type of top that you could could cut the tip, to make a larger opening. It is still, great stuff for the flavors!!!!

[sketchers356]

Sriracha is great stuff, but it isn't really that hot. You can use it like ketchup. Tasty as hell ketchup.

[tabs]

The Sriracha is made by Huy Fong Foods in Rosemead, CA. They also have other products such as Sambal Oelek...Ground Fresh Chili Paste. You can have that in Shrimp or Garlic varietys.. a good Tablespoon of that stuff in your stir fry or marinade is nuff.

I am coming around to less is better...btw I always keep a jar of the Sambal in the refer.
This stuff is a staple of SE Asian cooking.

[vash]

huy fong was the name of the ship that brought the nice fella over. he makes a killer sauce. not very spicy tho. i read an article about the guy in saveur magazine. came with nothing, stole the name of the ship, and hit the ground running. his goal is to see his sauce in every country. cracks me up that it is american.

i love fiery foods. i dont do the extreme sauces, but anything run of the mil, i can handle. my sushi guy tried to kill me with his fresh habanero spicy tuna handrolls, but i tossed them back.

the best line above was, "i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone"!!! i almost peed!

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

My wife's maiden name is Gallegos, 1st generation of her family born in this country (her father and mother immigrated LEGALLY) and she can't eat my chili case it's too hot. She even says my spaghetti is too hot for her. I like hot spicy food

I put hot sauce on almost everything, except ice cream. that's just gross.
My favorite is sriracha. I go through a 17 ounce bottle about once a month.

After trying this stuff, it's gone on damn near everything since. Thanks Sammy!