Things are getting pretty bad..."Dad, I can't live like this anymore..."

[Joeaksa]

Originally Posted by red-beard

He's not patient. Mike truely loves his wife.

The problem is that it looks like this is a one way street at this time. Without the kids in the picture it would be possible to keep putting up with it. Unfortunately that is not the situation.

[porsche4life]

Bump fer ya mike.... It really wasn't that hard to find...

[boba]

Originally Posted by porsche4life

Bump fer ya mike.... It really wasn't that hard to find...

One handed?

[M.D. Holloway]

We have had some serious ups and downs. At least once a week she has what many would consider a complete melt-down. The kids no longer get upset which is good and bad. They are understanding this better and are becoming 'tougher' from it but they still are affected. She has turned the corner at least at times she does. She snaps big over what most of us would consider trivial then she uses her lack of sight as a way to explain and justify her behavior.

It isn't always bad. We have had some fun times as a family. Both kids have become very affectionat to both of us and respond very favoraly when we show affection to each other. We have told them that we are trying to make this relationship work and that it is very difficult but we will make it work.

Our lil one says 'I just want a normal family'. I tell her that there is no such thing. That every family has struggles. Some can't make ends meet, some parents drink too much while others hit each other. Everyone has a personal struggle. We just don't see others problems. We have a choice. Either we can buckle under the pressure or rise above it. Its a personal choice that we have to make and find the strength within.

If I could make things different I would but I can't and we are all doing our best.
They are amazing kids.

[Dueller]

Glad to hear there is some relief and understanding...especially for the children. Give it some time... she may come around. I havea minds eye view of saome old pics of the two of you during better times you posted (football/baseball game?). Kudos for your efforts.

[masraum]

Glad to hear of the improvement! Glad to hear that you stuck with it when so many folks here were saying to call it quits.

[M.D. Holloway]

She has expressed interest in helping me coach our son's flag football team. He decided not to play on the select team and asked me if I would coach him and a bunch of his friends through the Y. I said yes. She knows more about football than all my friends combined. So she is now involved and so far she is pretty cool with it all. We have our first practice this weekend. I just have to keep telling myself to give her a voice and not to doninate. She knows all the boys and has a great realtionship with them. This should be interesting.

[david914]

Mike,

I haven't posted in this thread before, but have followed your progress. I just wanted to say that your strength and dedication to your wife and family is admirable. Good on you for staying the course.

[Rot 911]

Mike, just the little bit of improvement on her part is reason to celebrate!

[M.D. Holloway]

At 4:30AM our Son comes down into our bedroom, she wakes up and starts in on him. The thing is he hates sleeping alone - the little guy (well he isn't so little - 11yrs old) really doesn't like being alone to begin with and nighttime brings about all sorts of anxiety. We have tried all sorts of things to help. Nothing seems to work very well. He will sleep through the night when I am on the road. When I am home he has a tough time. He wants one of us to be with him - normally me - mommy pretty much refuses. So I guess I enable?

She proceeds to tell him that all sorts of things are gonna happen because he won't sleep by himself - he is willing to be grounded, give up XBox and even not celebrate his birthday - he just doesn't want to be alone. Mommy doesn't get it.

So this morning while I am getting ready for work she starts in on me telling me that it is just plain creepy that an 11yr old boy wants his parents to sleep with him and that if I do then that makes me a pedophile.

Now normally if someone accused me of being a pedophile I would first consider the source then tell them to F off. I am a few things but that ain't one of them. She clearly has no clue about what is acceptable and not acceptable to say during a discussion or argument. So goes the story of my life - I guess there is no such thing as a fair fight?

I tried to discuss this with her logically (oops, my bad, she can't really do that - it would require a conscience effort to actually apply reasonable thought with the endgain of a positive resolution). I told her that it was my opinion that he has a phobia of being alone as well as separation anxiety due to our relationship issues. He is scared plain and simple and wants to know that his mom and dad are close by.

She wanted no part of that and told me that if I really thought that I better do some research and get him some counseling.

Hello Pot, I'm Kettle - your black...

[jwhcars]

I suspect with all the turmoil going on in his life and around him that counseling is the way to go. 11 year old children do not sleep with their parents IMO - you need to document his behavior because there are others that may twist things (your wife is one). You do not need a battle with children and youth services-guilty until proven innocent.

[creaturecat]

With all due respect, an 11 yr old boy should not be sleeping with his parents.
Your wife is correct. Her methodology is the problem, in this case.
I would like to congratulate you on your dedication to family.

[ths911]

Mike,

I read through this thread and praise you for your dedication to the family and your wife. I didn't see the reasoning for the sight loss but was wondering if she had a head injury. A family member of mine had a stroke at 35 and she became a different person. Somethings good - somethings bad. One thing that happened to her was she lost her "filtering". She will say things that come to her mind without thinking how it may be received. She is oblivious to her bluntness. I do have to say she has gotten better over time but I still cringe once in a while in social settings with her now 13 years later.

I hope the football coaching will bring you and her to being on the same side on a multiple of levels.

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by creaturecat

With all due respect, an 11 yr, old boy should not be sleeping with his parents.
Your wife is correct. Her methodology is the problem, in this case.
I would like to congratulate you on your dedication to family.

+1

While I never would think you are a pedophile and it was a cheap shot by your wife, you're just wrong here, Lubey. You are setting a dangerous precedent for your son. In an effort to be honest with your kids about what's going on in you/wife's relationship, you (like my personality) want to be the fixxer and solve everybody's problems. You can't....and to a certain extent while honesty is a virtue you seem to be including the children with way too much info about your domestic problems. I understand its an effort to be positive and reassuring, but some things need to be addressed with you and wife and NOT the kids.

Read on about a snippet from and article I found that summarizes the potential damage to child. I think you should have been dismissive to wife with her out of bounds remark and take child back to his own room and assure him you guys would be there in the morning but let him know he is too old to violate certaian boundaries.

Co-Sleeping Is Bad for Older Children Too

So what about co-sleeping for older children? Clearly there is no risk of suffocation for two or three-year-olds that can sleep in adult beds.

I would suggest that parents who wish to let older children sleep with them, consider the message that they send to their children. Why do children want to sleep with their parents? Children are saying, "I need you for everything. I need you to get me dressed, to feed me, to take me places and to….sleep." The parent, by saying yes, says to the child, "That's right, you do. You can't do it alone. You will always need me to help you, even during the night. Twenty-four hours a day, I will be there."

As parents, we want to always be there for our children. But in real life we can't be. By giving our children the message that they always need a parent, we set up a cycle that a parent cannot and should not live up to. One of the things we must teach our children is not just how to do things, but how to do things on their own. A young child does need his parents for eating, for clothing, for transportation and all basic needs. The one thing he does not need his parents for is sleeping. By allowing children to sleep on their own from a young age, we teach children something that is essential for growth - you are an individual - there are things you can do without a parent.

Instead, I would encourage parents to do the following. Show your children love with hugs, kisses and warmth throughout the day. Hold them close. Allow them to cuddle up in your arms as you put them to sleep and run into your room in the morning for a good morning hug in your arms (and bed.) But let them know that because you love them, they need to learn to sleep alone.



The above was in the context of 2-4 y.o.'s...not 11 y.o.'s.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

I'm a bit ambivalent on the co-sleeping issue. The highly-educated ( :roll: ) analysis above completely fails to consider cultural and living arrangements besides the typical American one (one-child-per room etc., parents sleep in a separate room, etc.). On the other hand my 4-year-old sleeps in his own bed--mommy and daddy get little enough time alone as it is.

told me that if I really thought that I better do some research and get him some counseling.

I'd be laughing if I wasn't shaking my head in disbelief.

[Dave L]

get the kid a sleeping bag, It will give him the reassurance that mom and dad are close by but it wont be long before he gets sick of sleeping on the floor and goes back to his room. Dont let him sleep in your bed, its a bad habit and one that is very difficult to break.

[M.D. Holloway]

I agree with all. I spend most of my days fixing problems so naturally this is no different. I like the idea of developing Independence. That makes sense.

[Dueller]

Corrected my original post...should be "dismissive to wife about out of bounds pedophile remark and take child back to room with assurances"...

[Z-man]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

If I could make things different I would but I can't and we are all doing our best.
They are amazing kids.

And you are an amazing husband. Your wife may not be able to comprehend that right now, but deep down she knows this.

-Z-man.

[madmmac]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

He will sleep through the night when I am on the road. When I am home he has a tough time. He wants one of us to be with him - normally me - mommy pretty much refuses.

There in lies your answer. Your son misses you terribly when you are gone. When you are home, he wants to be around you as much as possible, because in the back of his mind, he knows you will be leaving again.

Family and business is a difficult balance sometimes. Good luck.