Friday Joke

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by Racerbvd

Robotic Bartender




Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's
your IQ?"
The guy says, "168".
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere
tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another great
martini..
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Bush?"

Fixed it for you

[Craig]

Superman is bored one day, no crime to fight or anything else going on.
So decides to fly over to Batman's place and see if he wants to hang out for awhile.
Batman isn't home, so decides to go over to the Green Hornet's place.

Green Hornet isn't home, so he decides to go over to the Flash's house.
On his way over, he flies right over Wonder Woman's house. He sees her lying out in the sun, sunbathing, in the nude! Her legs were spread wide, and her eyes were closed, just soaking in the rays.

He stops in middair, thinking to himself, 'Boy, I've always to boink that Wonder Woman, now is my chance. If fly down and boink her at supersonic speed, she will never know the difference.'

So he flies down, boinks her and flies off, all in the blink of an eye!

Wonder Woman kind of rouses herself and says, 'What was that???'

The Invisibile Man says 'I don't know, but my butt sure hurts'

[Racerbvd]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

Fixed it for you

Nope, President Bush knew how many states were in the Union and didn't attract flies..



The Bitter Truth!

A man is watching a game of golf on TV.



But he keeps switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple having raucous sex.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game", he says to his wife.

"For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife says.



"You already know how to play golf!"

[Joeaksa]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward they said. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,


"My wife is from Wales "

~~~~~

Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to
interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

Tell me about your staff, he asked Penberthy.

Well, said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife.

That's who I want to talk to, said the inspector, the half-wit.

That'll be me then, said Penberthy.

[HarryD]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

"One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge."

"He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'....

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[GWN7]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'

[aap1966]

A patient goes into the Doctor's room to get his test results.
The doctor is seated behind his desk, results in hand, looking very grim.
Instantly, the patient knows it's not good news.
Patient:"O.K. Doc, give it to me staright. I can take it. How long have I got?"
Doctor: "10"
Patient: "10 what?? 10 years? 10 months?? 10 weeks??? What do you mean by 10??"
Doctor "9...,8...,7....,6....,5........"

[teenerted1]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

>

>

> After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

>

> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

>

> In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,that you should know five things:

> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

> 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

> 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

>

> "Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

>

> The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by teenerted1

> The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Brilliant!

[Racerbvd]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “Better think it over... .........women like that are hard to find.."










Gosh,
I'm rich!





Silver
In the Hair





Gold
In the Teeth





Stones
In the Kidneys

Sugar
In the Blood.

Lead
In the Ass




Iron
In the Arteries

And
An inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.



I
Never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.

[Racerbvd]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a large
pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."

"Then the gator will close his
Mouth for one minute."

"Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unharmed.
In return for witnessing this
Amazing Spectacle,
Each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
The man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
Alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd roared
their approval,
And the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

After a few drinks
the man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly
Spoke up...
"I'll try it -
If you promise not to hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!"

[Gooch1971]

Three professors from Cambridge face execution by the electric chair. The first one is strapped in and asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Harvard School of Divinity and I believe God intervenes on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and says, "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe justice intervenes on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go, too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "I'm from MIT, and I'll tell you right now, you won't electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires!"

[Joeaksa]

Subject: World Survey problem

*
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
*
"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the *world?"
*
*The survey was a massive failure because of the following: *
*
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
*
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
*
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
*
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
*
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
*
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
*
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
*
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.*

[Joeaksa]

Ok guys, if you are going to wuss out and stop posting, guess I have to keep going!

~~~~~

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,*
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,*
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.