After 21 years... she's leaving

[Hugh R]

So sorry to hear this. I've been married 32 years and I'd be toast without her.

[Halm]

Lee, hate to hear this. Lot of good advice here. Stay strong.

[notfarnow]

One of the best things my counsellor told me: Don't trust your instints, for at least a year.

So true, my head was all over the place as I tried to keep my mind busy and fill "the void" Go back to her, shack up with the girl I started dating, change careers, grow my business, shrink my business. There are so many forks in the road that it can be overwhelming, and if you're used to bouncing ideas of someone else it can be really chaotic.

I took a year to just "steady the ship", and now that things have settled down and I am happier, I'm starting to trust my instincts again. Except the one where I want a baby, that one seems iffy even though my ovaries just ACHE sometimes

[crustychief]

Sorry to hear about the predicament Lee. Some great advice posted. I divorced at 16 years in, got married in 2007 again, it is a world of difference.

[Jeff Alton]

Lee,

Sorry to hear this. It's tough when one person thinks it isn't working. Not an easy time right now for either of you I am sure. Went through a divorce with a child 12 years ago. As long as you can look in the mirror every morning and be happy with who you see, all will be fine.

My son was only 2. At 16 your daughter is at a very impressionable time in her life. Treating your EX with respect and never speaking ill of her in front of your daughter will be important. Staying friends with an EX is not that hard, I am sure you guys can do that if it is what you wish.

Keep your chin up. We haven't met, but reading your posts make me think you one of the good guys. It may not seem like it now, but in a short while you will be happier than ever. Everything happens for a reason...

Cheers

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by UconnTim97

Some great advice there. (The last bullet point is very true.)

Sorry to see another one of us going through this. I'm at the end of the divorce process now. Keep your chin up, it does get better.

**** Tim. I didn't know that! Sorry to hear it.

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by notfarnow

.

I took a year to just "steady the ship", and now that things have settled down and I am happier, I'm starting to trust my instincts again. Except the one where I want a baby, that one seems iffy even though my ovaries just ACHE sometimes

Jake! I love you man!

[rattlsnak]

I know it seems dark now. As many others have posted, it will be better soon. This happened to me also. I was finally able to let go when someone told me " You don't want to waste your time to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You're better than that and someone else will realize that" or something to that effect.

Hang in there man.. You're going to be just fine...

[jhynesrockmtn]

I went through this almost 10 years ago. Pretty amicable situation but we had been together 21+ and had two kids, 14 and 16 at the time. My ex is a great Mom and we've worked hard to put the kids first and co parent and by all accounts we've done a great job. Something I'm very proud of. I'm sorry to see you and others have to go down this road. It will get better. I married very young and have taken the last several years to date, get to know myself, etc. I finally found someone who is amazing and was married in January. Life if bright, hopeful and my kids remind my ex and I all the time how much they appreciate the fact we have stayed friends and made them a priority. They are old enough now to see most don't go that way. Best of luck, I know we don't know each other personally but I truly believe you can and will be happy again!

[DanielDudley]

It gets better. But not until the deal is done. One of you needs to move out. It should be her.

Start to take charge of your life. Get her out of it.

[bell]

just read this whole thread........im going to be that guy....
congratulations......
look at this as an opportunity to do whatever the hell you want.
it's a fresh start, go enjoy life......
I wasted many years dwelling on a past relationship, biggest mistake I ever made.
live life.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

I disagree - she's going to get the house anyway. Better to move out now and start rebuilding. Just my $0.02.

[FLYGEEZER]

Been there,done that,got the shirt. Its called AIDS.....Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome . Your gonna be just fine....promise

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

It gets better. But not until the deal is done. One of you needs to move out. It should be her.

Start to take charge of your life. Get her out of it.

Disagree. Awful hard to move on when you are stuck in the marital home. As soon as you move out, you are moving on and starting over in a new environment.

[LeeH]

Originally Posted by notfarnow

Disagree. Awful hard to move on when you are stuck in the marital home. As soon as you move out, you are moving on and starting over in a new environment.

She's moved out and has no interest in the house. With her new job she'll typically be gone 17 days straight. She knows with her travel and general upkeep/maintenance of a house that it makes more sense for me to stay.

I like the house and location a lot, but will work to make it more my own. This is on my list of things to tackle. I think the continuity will be a positive thing for our daughter.

[notfarnow]

good stuff. whatever works for you, and your daughter. I guess every bit of advice here should have the caveat *caution: everyone who's done it thinks they've done it the right way* haha

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by LeeH

She's moved out and has no interest in the house. With her new job she'll typically be gone 17 days straight. She knows with her travel and general upkeep/maintenance of a house that it makes more sense for me to stay.

I like the house and location a lot, but will work to make it more my own. This is on my list of things to tackle. I think the continuity will be a positive thing for our daughter.

Let me know if you need any help doing that!

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by LeeH

I think the continuity will be a positive thing for our daughter.

No doubt, Lee. It seems that you guys have enough perspective to figure out the right path forward. I wish you the all the best.

Originally Posted by notfarnow

good stuff. whatever works for you, and your daughter. I guess every bit of advice here should have the caveat *caution: everyone who's done it thinks they've done it the right way* haha

That is perfect and true and why the advice here as been so superb.

[LeeH]

Originally Posted by porsche4life

Let me know if you need any help doing that!

Yeah, so far all I've done is stare at it. Trying to figure out the least expensive/invasive path. I think the best thing I've come up with is to put the TV in the center partially covering the fireplace, then put the center speaker inside the fireplace with some sort of cover just inside the tile surround.

I think I can find a chest or shelves of some sort to sit in the box where the TV is currently located.

Sidney, if you get over this way let me know and you can come stare at it and throw out ideas.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by LeeH

Yeah, so far all I've done is stare at it. Trying to figure out the least expensive/invasive path. I think the best thing I've come up with is to put the TV in the center partially covering the fireplace, then put the center speaker inside the fireplace with some sort of cover just inside the tile surround.

I think I can find a chest or shelves of some sort to sit in the box where the TV is currently located.

Sidney, if you get over this way let me know and you can come stare at it and throw out ideas.

I think that there are no perfect solutions- only the choices you make. I don't see any violence in this relationship(I am witnessing some of this in our neighborhood as a woman leaves her abusive wife beating husband). Only a good counsellor/psychologist can give you an independent viewpoint. I remember 30 years ago splitting up with the first wife and I felt the rug was pulled out from beneath my feet. You have to be strong. PM me if you feel the need.