How about a joke thread?

[dafischer]

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books,"Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.

One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His professor gave him an A+

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica's.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.

[cbush]

[JJ 911SC]

Speaking of Kinders Eggs... Not a joke!!! Tourists get border surprise on trip home from Vancouver after trying to take ‘illegal’ Kinder eggs into the U.S. | National Post

[72doug2,2S]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

[pwd72s]

Three women are chipping up to the fourth hole at Old Course Ranfurly Golf Club when a nakedman wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees, runs to the back of the green and stands facing them from afar.

The ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first one says, 'He is definitely not my husband.

The second one gazes longingly at his package and says, 'He is not mine either,"

After a lengthy inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club."

[dafischer]

A woman went to the doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes I do," She answered.

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No, I rather like it," she responded.

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "There’s no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Barbara Boxster, Hillary Clinton, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and Al Sharpton came from?"

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by fred cook

An attractive brunette got a seashell tattooed on her upper thigh. If you put your ear against it, you can't hear the ocean, but you can smell the fish!

BAM!!!

Wha'd the blind guy say when passing the fish market?

Hello girls.

[GH85Carrera]

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER ...
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[dafischer]

Will I Live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well past Seventy).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?

[GWN7]

Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the U.S., he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia. To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[GH85Carrera]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother.

[GH85Carrera]

CLEVER NUNS

There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast
as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

[intakexhaust]

[GH85Carrera]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied:



“The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

[GH85Carrera]

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like crap. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

I had to let Jack go.

Bosses have to make the tough decisions!

[brawns]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied:



“The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

This is why we need to hear the bad news first before the good ones; if bad news gets to go first, at least we don't have to worry about anything spoiling our fun, unless you find happiness in your own suffering.

[jamesnmlaw]

Little Johnny had never been with a woman. So, his friends fixed him up with a whore. The whore asked Johnny, "What kind of sex do you want? Straight, Greek, BJ, around the world, 69?" Johnny didn't really know so he just said, "69 sounds good." So the whore helps get Johnny into position and off they go. After a while, the whore farted. Johnny didn't know what that was about but at that point he didn't care so they just kept at it. A few seconds later the whore farted again. "You doing okay down there, Little Johnny?" Johnny said, "Yes ma'am, but I don't think I can take 67 more of those."

[GH85Carrera]

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local BassPro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,

"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me awhile to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to wear underwear more often…

[GH85Carrera]

Random thoughts:
* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?
* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
- The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
- If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".

[JJ 911SC]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

Random thoughts:...

* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?
...

You might actually know this but in French its, "double V"