How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your as*hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your as*hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

This is real.

In an upper level accounting class that I attended at Kent State in 1983 a woman asked "What's gonna be on the test?"

The grad student teacher (doctorate level) was irritated and said "There will be dual entry accounting questions" This was a smart ass answer as dual entry is the basis for all accounting.

Then he took the 100 foot cliff dive into the sea of bad judgement and said "Did you ever hear of triple entry, Miss so-and-so?" She was not a kid, well into her 20's and on the higher end of the hot matrix.......and married with children.

He finished his doctorate at Toledo University. Departing Kent immediately after the incident.

[Bob Kontak]

Two guys and a hot babe stranded on an island.

They were both happy sharing the lady, trading off every other night.

She passed away for an unknown reason.

The guys, being young and full of testosterone, but without the aid of an active female partner, decided to forge on with the frisky business.

They buried her after two weeks.

[strupgolf]

1.
Each player has to have a club and 2 balls. 2, Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. 3, unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole, not the balls.4. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole. 5. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers. 6. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course. Upset owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason. 7. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irritated if they discover someone else playing what they consider a private course. 8. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. 9. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine. 10. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at course owner's request. 11. It is considered outstanding, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match. Finally, Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levid by the course owner and rules subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

[ian c2]

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:


On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.

On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

[ian c2]

Originally Posted by dhoward

Bar jokes:
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

A 6 foot tall grasshopper walks into a bar. All of the patrons are stunned into silence as the grasshopper walks up to the bartender. Finally recomposing himself the bartender says "Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Phil?"
[rimshot]

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra ...



Side joke :
Why did they make dyslexia so hard to spell ?

Side-side joke :
Whoever invented the word lisp was having a laugh weren’t they !!!

[1990C4S]

Originally Posted by ian c2

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra ...



Side joke :
Why did they make dyslexia so hard to spell ?

Side-side joke :
Whoever invented the word lisp was having a laugh weren’t they !!!

Side joke: "Shouldn't the letters in 'OCD' be in alphabetical order?

[Hawkeye's-911T]

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulties finding a new house.

When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked:
"How many children do you have?"
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."


MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...
and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.

Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.

Captain Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man
less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself!"

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medalin the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."

At that point, the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*ck off."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."

I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."

BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

(Apologies for the 'all-in-caps' - this was a cut & paste job - also hope it ain't a repeat!)
Cheers
JB

[GH85Carrera]

I bought some beer on sale at the Liquor Store.I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
“I'm a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"

[charlesbahn]

A little boy asks his father "what is politics?" Dad says, well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me the Prime Minister. Your mother is the government. We are here to care for YOUR needs, so we will call you the people. The nanny, we consider her the working class and your baby brother, we will call him the future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents room & find his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole & sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed, the next morning, the little boy says to his father, dad I think I understand the concept of politics now. The father says good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about. The little boy replies, the Prime Minister is screwing the working class, while the Government is fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****.

[GH85Carrera]

Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell. I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.



I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!”

[oldE]

A fellow is setting up a fishing trip for himself and two buddies so texts this message to the guide.
"Three of us arriving Saturday morning for a weekend away from the wives. We'll need two punts and a canoe "
A couple of days later he gets this reply.
"Your message arrived garbled. I managed to persuade a couple of local girls. What's a panue? "

[pwd72s]

^^^^ Stolen for a group email. Best of the day!

[GH85Carrera]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”
Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”
Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”
Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”
Businessman: “How close?”
Flight Attendant: “Same price".

[Bill Douglas]

I went out for dinner last night with a very nice young lady. Plus a few drinks; we both like a drink or two so no harm in that. In other words a perfect evening.

But I woke up this morning and steeped outside to enjoy the sunshine then "WHAT the h***". Obscenities written all over the walls, broken glass everywhere. Pools of urine right outside my door. OMG, I said to myself "Why, why do I always have to do this."

[wdfifteen]

^^
Yeah, I hate it when that happens.

[GH85Carrera]

Tax Time.......

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; and then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
The accountant says, "Chicken farmer it is."