How about a joke thread?

[stevej37]

^^^ lol...good one.

[Superman]

You know why professional boxers never have sex before a big fight? Well.... it's because they don't like each other.

[GH85Carrera]

My Wife was trying to tell me Women were better than Men at multitasking.

I certainly proved her wrong!

I told her to Sit Down and Shut Up. She could not do either one!

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Superman

You know why professional boxers never have sex before a big fight? Well.... it's because they don't like each other.

I didn't see that coming! Great one-liner.

[stealthn]

Good stuff guys!!!

[yellowperil]

There's a hot line for that, but no one answers, it just keeps ringing and ringing.

[Robert Coats]

[Bill Douglas]

Girl "Mom, we had maths at school today and the other kids could only count to four and I could count to five. Is that because I'm blonde or because I'm smart?"

Mother "Because you're smart."

Girl "Mom, today we had sport then we all had a shower. The other girls were all flat chested and I've got these big fat titties. Is that because I'm blond or because I'm smart?"

Mother "It's because you are 24 years old."

[72doug2,2S]

Why are moons rocks tastier than Earth rocks?

Because they're meteor

[JackDidley]

> An elderly lady was recently arrested for shoplifting from a local market. The woman pleaded guilty to stealing a can of peaches. The judge asked how many peaches were in the can, and it was established there were nine.

> He then proceeded to sentence her to nine days in jail, one for each peach.
>
> At that point the lady's husband asked to speak. The husband said he had some additional information that could have a bearing on the case.

> Out of compassion the judge allowed the husband to proceed.

> The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can can of peas."

[GH85Carrera]

[porsche tech]

Two golfers were on the 15th green when a funeral processed past on a nearby road. One fellow took off his cap and placed it over his heart as the hearse went by…put his cap back on and sank his putt. On the 16th tee box, his playing partner says, “hey, I saw what you did back there. That was very thoughtful.” The first guy says, yeah, we would have been married 46 years next month.”

[Aurel]

Keeping on the golf theme:

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. “Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what is in the other bag?”

The old lady replies with a grin,

“Well, not everybody pays.”

[GH85Carrera]

A man get home after a round of golf and his wife says to him "you look exhausted. what happened"?

He said it was horrible, his best friend Joe had a heart attack on the back 9 and dropped dead. He said after that, it was hit the ball, and drag Joe for 9 more holes to get back to the clubhouse.

[Norm K]

An old woman complains to her therapist that her husband hasn't had interest in sex in a long time, but that she still does.

The therapist recommends some role playing and suggests that she introduces the idea with something simple like a costume. So the woman stops by the store on her way home and picks out something she thinks will finally get his attention.

Arriving home, she finds her husband camped in his usual spot: sitting in his easy chair watching television. He doesn't notice or acknowledge her as she passes between him and the boob-tube on her way to the bedroom to change. Still, she's just sure that's about to change.

A few minutes later she emerges from the bedroom and, wearing nothing but some very skimpy panties and a cape, jumps between her husband and the television and excitedly exclaims "Would you like some super sex???!!!"

With a wave of his hand, designed to get her to move out of his line of sight, he responds ... "I'll take the soup".

_

[Baz]

John Glenn
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – that every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Desmond Tutu
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb
After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box.

Betsy Salkind
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

Jean Kerr
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

Zsa Zsa Gabor
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

Jeff Foxworthy
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.

Prince Philip
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Harrison Ford
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan
The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Robin Hall
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

Jean Rostand
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.

W.H. Auden
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Jonathan Katz
In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Warren Tantum
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.

Steve Martin
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Doug Hanwell
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

George Roberts
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Jonathan Winters
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

Robert Benchley
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

[astrochex]

A friend at an excellent Thai restaurant this past weekend.

Waitress: Do you have any questions?
Coworker: Who shot JFK?

[john70t]

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't need a fishing license.

The wildlife officer looks down at the bucket and says "you definitely need a license to be catching fish, I can see that you've been fishing today. You have live fish right there."

The man says "oh no, those are my pet fish. I just brought them out here for the day to enjoy the lake."

"Pet fish?" Replied the wildlife officer

"Oh absolutely, I let him out of the bucket and they swim around and play, but when I whistle they all jump right back in. They are very well trained."

The wildlife officers scratches his chin, then says. "I've never heard such a. Well I've got to see this."

The man dumps the bucket of fish into the lake, then calmly turns and looks at the wildlife officer.

The wildlife officer says. "Well, call them back. "

The man says "Call who back."

The wild life officer says "your pet fish."

"What fish?", replied the man.

[Steve Carlton]

[Robert Coats]

Guy goes to England for a football game, and gets lost, and REALLY had to take a whiz. A Bobbie [English Cop] catching him mid-unzip, "Here, here, what's all this then?"
"Sorry, I've REAAAALY got to take a leak!"
"Well, why dinnnt you say so, come over ear'."
The Bobbie leads him over to a quite well-kept garden, with lots of beautiful flowers. "Just have a go here' mate"
The guy stands and let's fly a torrent of urine, and expels a sigh. He exclaims, "What is this place?"
The Bobbie say, "Ah Mate. This is the garden...of the French Embassy."