How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

[Racerbvd]

Helpful Old Guys






I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
White shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.*

[Porsche-poor]

THE RECESSION HITS EVERYBODY


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[teenerted1]

Dead Cow Study:

First-year students at Texas A&M Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it
is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is
that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body".

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on
it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough,
but it's even tougher if you're stupid.."

[teenerted1]

Movie By Math



This is pretty amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I



was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list



till you have done the math!



Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math



quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't



ask me how, but it really works!



Movie Test:



Pick a number from 1-9.



Multiply by 3.



Add 3.



Multiply by 3 again.



Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the



list of 18 movies below.



Movie List:



1. Gone With The Wind



2. E.T.



3. Beverly Hills Cop



4. Star Wars



5. Forrest Gump



6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly



7. Jaws



8. Grease



9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat



10. Casablanca



11. Jurassic Park



12. Shrek



13. Pirates of the Caribbean



14. Titanic



15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark



16. Home Alone



17. Mrs. Doubtfire



18. Toy Story



Now, ain't that something.....?

[Head416]

SPOILER ALERT
Mathmatically what you're doing is 9(x+1) if x is the number you pick. Multiples of 9 have the strange habit of the individual digits adding up to 9. If you pick 4, you get 9 times 5 = 45. 4+5=9. If you pick 8, 9 times 9 is 81, 8 + 1 = 9.

So I'm a nerd. What of it?

[Racerbvd]

I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota .



He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

[Racerbvd]

The Arrogance of Authority



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......







With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



“Your badge! Show him your BADGE!”

[Racerbvd]

Never Lose Your Grandson!

A heartwarming story.



My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

[Racerbvd]

JOKE OF THE YEAR






















Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[Racerbvd]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife,
Ann, listened to
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and
whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'


And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........

[GH85Carrera]

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

[Porsche-poor]

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He
approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice
close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt
his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving
upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I
knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so
experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a
slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his
knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my
firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching,
knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down
my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this
man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not
used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A
man who would look into my soul and say ...





"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." "You can board your flight
now."

[teenerted1]

> WHEN TO START CUSSING!
>
> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6
year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
cussing."The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we
go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you
say something with "ass".
>
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios".
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his room and
shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

[MBAtarga]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the river when he decided to take a leak.
He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun.
Just then a strong gust of wind blew and the gun fell over and discharged... shooting him in the balls.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be okay.The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your johnson. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor, "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eyes".

[MBAtarga]

Pete had an embarrassing twitch in his eye.
He had tried everything to get rid of it!
At last he found a Chinese doctor who told him that a regular dose of aspirin would fix his problem!
When he returned, Dr Woo asked him how he was progressing?
"No damn good!" said Pete.
"Every time I go into the drug store and ask for a packet of aspirin, they give a box of damned condoms!"

[Porsche-poor]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

**************************************************
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

**************************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."

**************************************************
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

**************************************************
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*

**************************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*

**************************************************
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

**************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

**************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[GH85Carrera]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Racerbvd]

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

[GH85Carrera]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went..

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,






(you are going to love this)









"What's for dinner, Zorro?"