How about a joke thread?

[gtc]

Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

[Racerbvd]

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table w ere literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.
"They're for the funeral.

[crustychief]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in
Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
Hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin at drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat jet fuel and get a
Buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got
Completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he
Feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta
Do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa

[GH85Carrera]

The wisdom of an old Marine. Commandant of the Marine Corps, General Al Gray, a crusty old 'Field Marine', loved his Marines and often slipped into the mess hall wearing a faded old field jacket without any rank or insignia on it. He would go through the chow line just like a private.

In this way, he was assured of being given the same rations that the lowest enlisted man received. Woe be it to the mess officer if the food was found to be unfit in quality or quantity. Upon becoming Commandant, General Gray was expected to do a great deal of 'formal entertaining'...fancy dinner parties in full dress blue uniform. Now, the General would rather have been in the field eating cold 'C-rats'
around a fighting hole with a bunch of young 'hard charging' Marines.
But the General knew his duty and as a Marine he was determined to do it to the best of his ability. During these formal parties, a detachment of highly polished Marines from 'Eighth and Eye' (Marine Barracks located at 8th and I Streets in Washington , D.C. , home of the Silent Drill Team) were detailed to assume the position of 'parade rest' at various intervals around the ballroom where the festivities were being held. At some point during one of these affairs, a very refined, blue-haired lady picked up a tray of pastries and went around the room offering confections to the guests. When she noticed these Marines in dress blues, standing like sculptures all around the room, she was moved with admiration. She knew that several of these men were fresh from our victory in Kuwait . She made a beeline for the closest Lance Corporal, drew near him and asked, 'Would you like pastry young man?' The young Marine snapped to 'attention' and replied, "I don't eat that schit, Ma'am." Just as quickly, he resumed the position of 'parade rest.' His gaze remained fixed on some distant point throughout the exchange. The fancy lady was completely taken aback! She blinked, her eyes widened, her mouth dropped open. So startled was she that she immediately began to doubt what she had heard. In a quivering voice she asked, "W-W-What did you say?" The Marine snapped back to the position of 'attention'
(like the arm of a mousetrap smacking its wooden base). Then he said, '"I don't eat that schit, Ma'am." And just as smartly as before, back to the position of 'parade rest' he went. This time, there was no doubt.
The fancy lady immediately became incensed and felt insulted. After all, here she was an important lady, taking the time to offer something nice to this enlisted man (well below her station in life), and he had the nerve to say THAT to HER! She exclaimed "Well! I never...!" The lady remembered that she had met that military man in charge of all these 'soldiers' earlier. She spotted General Gray from across the room. He had a cigar clenched between his teeth and a camouflaged canteen cup full of bourbon in his left hand. He was talking to a group of 1st and 2nd Lieutenants. So blue haired lady went straight over to the Commandant and interrupted. "General, I offered some pastry to that young man over there, and do you know what he told me?" General Gray cocked his eyebrow, took the cigar out of his mouth and said, "Well, no Ma'am, I don't." The lady took in a deep breath, confident that she was adequately expressing with her body language her considerable rage and indignation. As she wagged her head in cadence with her words, and she paused between each word for effect, She said, "I - don't - eat - that - schit - Ma'am!'' The lieutenants were in a state of near apoplexy. A couple of them choked back chuckles, and turned their heads to avoid having their smirks detected. The next thought that most of them had was, 'God, I hope it wasn't one of MY Marines!' and the color left their faces. General Gray wrinkled his brow, cut his eyes in the direction of the lieutenants, put his free hand to his chin and muttered a subdued, "Hmmm Which one did you say it was Ma'am?," the General asked. "That tall sturdy one right over there near the window, General," the woman said with smug satisfaction. One of the lieutenants began to look sick and put a hand on the wall for support. General Gray, seemed deep in thought, hand still to his chin, wrinkled brow. Suddenly, he looked up and his expression changed to one indicating he had made a decision. He looked the fancy lady right in the eyes and said, "Well, fcuk him! Don't give him any."

[Charles Freeborn]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

[genrex]

A man tells his psychiatrist, "I had the strangest dream last night. I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, she had your face. This was very disturbing. I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I waited until morning, then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I hope you can explain the meaning of this dream."

The psychiatrist says, "A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

[ZOO]

Originally Posted by Charles Freeborn

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.

What's brown and sticky?






A stick.

[pete3799]

Harlequin Romance, Version 2011

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.

Then he quietly shut the
door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward
along my calves, slowly
but steadily.

My breath caught in my throat.

I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.

His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding.

I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.

And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.

This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted.

A man who would look into my soul and say .. . .



"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."

[porsche4life]

[chuckr]

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Here is a very old joke with an addendum.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.


'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





' ............... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'




Cheers & I hope you're are all not too ill!

[GH85Carrera]

What do you get when you mix PMS with a GPS?

Answer:

A crazy woman who WILL find you.

[GH85Carrera]

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (ed. note if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1.. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

SO MANY CHOICES...

[GH85Carrera]

Just in case you’re planning to do a little cooking...




To keep potatoes from budding,
place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

OR
Buy mashed potato mix.
Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year.


When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake
mix instead and there won't be any
white mess on the outside of the cake.

OR
Go to the bakery!
Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!





Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting
in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.


OR
Celery?
Never heard of it!



Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and
rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


OR
Take a lime, mix it with tequila,
chill and drink! All your pains go away!



Don't throw out all that leftover wine.
Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.


OR
Left over wine???????
HELLO!!!!!!

[stomachmonkey]

What do a 9 volt battery and a hot chicks balloon knot have in common?
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You just know it's wrong but sooner or later you're gonna put your tongue on it.

[GH85Carrera]

The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights being held in Sunset and sent Detective Boudreaux to investigate.

Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning,"Dey is tree main groups in dis rooster fightin."

"Good work. Who are they?"he asked

Boudreaux replied confidently,"De Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled the sergeant asked" How did you find that out in one night?"

Well I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, I'll buy that. But what about the others".

"Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sunnbody bet on de duck."

"Ah" sighed the sergeant. And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won.

[Heel n Toe]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it", says Grandpa. "How about a
demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops..

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand
dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it."

[GH85Carrera]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.


When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.
She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fuking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68....

[Hawkeye's-911T]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

"What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked. ''What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.....

"Let me guess.....

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.....Smallcox!”

Betcha all of you saw that one coming...

Cheers
JB

[craigster59]

A husband and wife were frustrated with their golf game and decided to seek instruction from the local golf pro.

The husband takes the first lesson, the pro tees up the ball and instructs the hubby to hit it. He proceeds to shank it right into the trees. "Well, there's your problem" the pro says, "you're gripping the club too hard. Hold it like you would your wife's breast". The husband does as he's told and BAM! 325 yards straight down the middle of the fairway.

He goes home excited, "Honey, you're going to love this guy! He straightened out my slice!"

The next day the wife goes for her lesson and the pro tees up a ball and has her swing at it. The ball flies straight into the trees. "You have the same problem as your husband" he says, "you're gripping the club too hard, hold the club the way you would hold your husbands penis."

She takes a swing and the ball goes 3 feet, rolling along the grass. "That's a start" says the pro, "now take the club out of your mouth......"