How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks ... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[GH85Carrera]

I was in a bar Saturday night. Had a few drinks....

I noticed two large women by the bar they both had strong accents so i asked "hey! Are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them screamed "it's Wales you friggin idiot"

So, I immediately apologized and said "sorry are you two whales from Ireland?

That's all I remember.....

[GH85Carrera]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

[GH85Carrera]

So Dick Clark dies in the year we aren't supposed to have a new years's eve?

Well played Myans, Well played!

[craigster59]

A man is in the doctors office and the doc says "I have some bad news. You have cancer and I figure about 6 months left to live."

The guy says "That's terrible doctor. Is there anything I can do?"

The doctor says "Yeah, take 3 mud baths a day."

The guy says "Do you think that will cure the cancer?"

The doctor says "No, but it will help you get used to the dirt!"

[Saintly]

NEW STATS FRESH OFF THE PRESS.

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING.

MOST PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN THE LAST 5 YRS



25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness











That's bloody scary.........

It means 75% are running around with no medication at all...!

[GH85Carrera]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Racerbvd]

IRISH TALKING CLOCK

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You *******! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!'

[Bill Douglas]

My sister is a lovely girl, but not too bright, and never seemed to be able to get a date.

I arranged a night out for her with a buddy of mine to see a movie and hoped it would all go well.

The buddy turned up fifteen minutes early and brought a box of candy, both were well dresed and looked very nice heading off together for the evening.

The next morning I asked my sister how it went. She replied the movie was OK but my friend was hilarious. OK I asked, why so hilarious? She said Well we sat down in the back row of the theater and I could feel his arm slipping across my shoulders then his hand slowly slid down inside my bra and he started feeling about. I asked what did you do? She replied that she started giggling. Then she elaborated by saying that his hand slid up her skirt and he started feeling around in her panties. I was a bit concerned and asked her what happened then. She replied she couldn’t stop laughing. When I asked why she was giggling and laughing so much she replied the candy was in my handbag the whole time.

[GH85Carrera]

Five Rules to Remember in Life

1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by GH85Carrera

[SIZE="4"]
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

Best one of the bunch. Donate to a charity and you'll have a pen pal for life.

[Racerbvd]

Billy Bob & Bubba

While Bubba and Billy Bob were in the local Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place- a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize- a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart.
Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied: "Great!, I love spaghetti!

"Billy Bob asked Bubba "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?"
Not so good," replied Bubba,"I'm thinking 'bout switching back to paper."

[speeder]

A Chinese couple is having sex. The guy says, "I want 69!" The woman says,

"You want beef and broccoli NOW?"






Heard that at dinner last night during a joke-fest.

[imcarthur]

This is a copy-written article on The Daily Mash, so I won't copy it all - I will just give you a teaser & you'll have to go there to read the rest.

Greeks apologise with huge horse

"THE nation of Greece said sorry to the European Union with a present of an enormous wooden horse.

Left outside the European Central Bank in the dead of night, the horse has now been moved into the ECB’s central lobby where it is proudly on display. A gift tag attached to the horse, which is surprisingly light for its size and has small holes along the length of its body, suggested that it should be placed in the bank’s vaults overnight to avoid it being targeted by thieves . . . "

See The Daily Mash for the full text.

Ian

[GH85Carrera]

The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for Agents Friday.

They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like every one else.

[Gogar]

The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

Every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."

[GH85Carrera]

Rallyist view on car handling terms:

"When you see the tree you're about to hit, it's called under steer. When you can only feel and hear it, it's over steer."

[Baz]

[E38Driver]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up
your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

[pegasus9]

A rich couple were sitting in their backyard.
The husband turns to the wife and says "Honey, times are tough. Maybe you could learn to cook, so we could fire the chef."
She replies back, "Well, maybe you could learn to screw then we could fire the gardener."