How about a joke thread?

[GH85Carrera]

An Irish pickle factory.

Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Bridget, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Bridget gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[GH85Carrera]

GREAT TRUTHS

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
-- Anonymous

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
-- Aesop

[GWN7]

Pure Logic

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So one six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month
at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in one year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your
spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Porsche?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f***ing Porsche?

[Joe Bob]

Expensive 6 packs, eh......is Buttwiper considered an import?

[GWN7]

Naw we brew it up here so when you come snowmobileing in July you have something awful to drink to remind you of back home.

[Porsche-poor]

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b*tch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[GH85Carrera]

Report on Crow Kills.

Well, it is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Boston, and
there was concern for Avian Flu.
They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu,
to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The city then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the
disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological
Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill,
they always post a "look-out crow"
in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not
say "Truck."

[Don Ro]

Old man looks down to hear a frog say something.
"Give me a kiss and I'll be your beautiful bride forever."
He picked it up, held it close to his ear:
"Give me a kiss and I'll be your beautiful bride forever."
He said, "No thanks, I'd rather have a talking frog."
.

[dafischer]

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy
3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the
back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business
suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from
her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[craigster59]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bed room closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is"
Boy " I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice"
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks"
Boy "My dad/s outside..."
Man "O.K. - How much?"
Boy "$250"

In a few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy "Dark in here"
Man “ Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Sold!"

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy " $ 1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you
to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now."

[vash]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "he will kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[Rusty Heap]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly blown all his saved money. He calls home.



"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"



"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"



"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."



So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.



About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.



"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.



"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"



"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"



"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."



The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.



So he shoots the dog.



When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"



"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.



Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"



The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he talks to your Mother!"



"I sure did, Dad!"



"That's my boy!"



The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. As a Congressman...

[Rusty Heap]

Tough-Harley-Guy Legend...

A group of Harley bikers were riding North on the interstate when they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off a high river bridge, So they stopped.

Jack, their leader, a big burly man of 50, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."


While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"


So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.


After they finished, Jack gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[john70t]

The computer guys on this site know all the baudy limericks.

[Porsche-poor]

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

[Vern Lyle]

What do you call a pope who has resigned?

Ex-Benedict

[2porscheguy]

Edited - inappropriate. -Z-man.

[2porscheguy]

Another short one...

At a girl's night out event, the girls are all discussing their husbands unique body parts when one of the ladies declares that the word SWAN is tattooed on her husband's d*ck! One of the other girls yells out..."NO! It says SASKATCHEWAN!!!"

[mikesride]

Originally Posted by 2porscheguy

Another short one...

At a girl's night out event, the girls are all discussing their husbands unique body parts when one of the ladies declares that the word SWAN is tattooed on her husband's d*ck! One of the other girls yells out..."NO! It says SASKATCHEWAN!!!"

That tatoo got me in lots of trouble!!!!

Mike, in Regina, Saskatchewan.....

[2porscheguy]

I bet it did!

Mike, you may find this hard to believe but my ......MOTHER actually told me that joke about twenty years ago!

Cold in Swan?....err Saskatchewan these days?