Elderly parent care (index) thread

Baz · Baz's Garage

Baz · Baz's Garage

Thought I'd give this thread a bump, in case it's of interest to anyone looking for information (see my post above).

Also, I am currently at the beginning of getting a caregiver involved with my Mom who turns 100 next month......and is still living in her own home.

We had an initial meeting with the caregiver a month ago that I thought went real well...but a couple days later it was apparent that Mom wasn't happy (for reasons I thought weren't pertinent to our goal) so put things on hold. Then tried a re-start this morning with a more careful approach and it went much better and we will be moving forward with at least 2 visits per week.

Mom does have some Demetia so for those who know about this, you have to be very careful how to proceed with any assistance with the client.

Luckily, my caregiver has been doing this for a while, loves doing this work, and thus far has demonstrated a remarkable ability to adapt to Mom's personality and demeanor.

All of us live within' 15 minutes of each other so that's very helpful.

Mom wants to continue living at home and I want her to as well. I'm hoping the caregiver program will help us to make that happen.

I applaud everyone here who has put the work in to help their elderly parent(s). It can really be a tough situation to deal with, but has to be done....

cstreit · cstreit's Garage

Thanks Baz, I don't look forward to using this but I'm sure there's great advice to be had here. Hope thinks keep workign out for ya.

look 171 · 08:16 PM

Good on ya for doing this. I went through this with my father and now mom is all by herself. At 84, she don't drive so my sister and I along with my wife are always around giving her a helping hand especially driving her to the market and such. I am sure she like to get out and do normal things. Back then dad and her would do everything. Wife is now going through this with her mom. She came home from long term care after dealing with bed sores. She's learning to walk again after being bed ridden for a few months. Knees are shot but getting healthier and stronger again after eating normal foods once home. Her poor dad is a real trooper having to take care of her. They have some outside help that come twice a week.

The one thing I learned is that we have to patient with them. My mother started to repeat herself more and more. I realized that she's been busy as a house wife taking care of my sister, myself and dad then suddenly she lost that responsibility, pretty much like someone retires with nothing to do. I learn to let her question me as often as she likes until I can't take it anymore. I walk and come back 10 min later. We also live about 15 min away. We also request food from her. Most people thinks its horrible request food from a bunch of able bodies like us. Mom loves it, and allows her to have some type of self worth cooking for her grand sons and us of course. They need some forms of responsibilities. When the gardener miss his day and comes the next, you bet I will get that phone call about it by 9am that day. My friends are going through the same thing.

That's very nice to hear that you are taking care of your mother. it is our duty to do so, no if or buts.

Bill Douglas · 01-03-2023, 09:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baz

my Mom who turns 100 next month......and is still living in her own home.

You have good genetics Baz. Otherwise no sound advice.

astrochex · 01-04-2023, 04:06 AM

We are going through this now with my mother. She is just about to turn 85 and has dementia. My father passed in November. She is with my sister and brother-in-law who have been caring for her since after Thanksgiving.

My mom thinks she is OK and does not need help but that is not the case. My sister realizes it is too much to care for my mom so the family has been researching care facilities. My brother, who has been handling estate issues, is going to Vegas tomorrow. They will be taking my mom to have lunch and visit a care facility. My mom has also said she wants to go home, which adds complexity.

David · David's Garage

A piece of advice I got from a contractor friend when I was installing toilet and shower hand rails for mom is to make sure there are some grab points no more than 15" above the ground in case of a fall.

ChrisHamilton · 04:52 AM

I took care of my Dad, by myself for the last 6 months of his life. He was 93 when he passed, I was 29 (had me late in life). By the end he couldn't do anything for himself. One of the hardest things I ever had to do. But glad that I was able to do it and he could be with family not in a nursing home.

I will probably end up doing the same for my Mom. Not because I want to, but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try to take care of her myself instead of putting her in a nursing home.

Older I get the more life seems way too short and much more bittersweet.

Seahawk · 01-04-2023, 05:19 AM

Thanks, Baz. I'll make sure my kids get those links for...me!

A few things.

My MIL lives in a senior facility with onset of dementia...she refuses any in room care at all. We tried. She is 87.

My wife has complete control of her estate and affairs. We will work to keep her out of assisted living for as long as possible.

I am working to get a friend of mine in a VA facility (a really nice one here in Southern Maryland that he wants to get into) because his health is on a steep decline after a fall and broken hip last year. He laid on the floor for over 24 hours.

He also doesn't like in home care giver presence (he lives alone) but I told him unless he has the folks come three times a week for at least two hours I won't help him in any capacity.

He sees them three times a week for two hours.

I also had him put a life alert button around his neck that has the agency call his daughter first then me.

He hates it but he is like a lot of folks facing this: He is in a bite of denial.

Best of luck to all.

porsche930dude · porsche930dude's Garage

my grandmother lived by herself in a 55+ neighborhood for the past 15 years. Everyone in the family was worried about the cost of a nursing home. They ended up renting out her house and it more than covers the cost of her new place. Its a nice place they check up on her every day and she has people to talk to. She is happier there.

Cairo94507 · Cairo94507's Garage

My wife and I have her 97-year-old father living with us. He is 100% mentally intact and his only real disability is using a walker to get around and he is hard of hearing even with hearing aides. Been with us for 2.5 years now and all indicators point to him living to at least 100. Fortunately, we have a big home and he has a bedroom/bathroom all to himself at the other end of the house. We do have a hospital bed in his room so he can watch TV at night comfortably. 65" on the wall. He knows he is lucky to be living with us and we all hope he dies in his sleep in his room and never has to transition to Assisted Care.

jhynesrockmtn · 01-04-2023, 05:49 AM

We've been going through this for several years with my Mom. She has been alone since my Dad passed in 2006. In 2016 she had a heart attack that has either brought on or accelerated her dementia. Progressed from independent to assisted living and is now in memory care. Neither my home or my sister's was set up for her to live with us and she never wanted to. Her dementia is now pretty bad. No short term memory at all. You literally have the same conversation with her over and over and she hallucinates pretty frequently. She still knows me and my sister but that's about it. Her 5 grandkids and 4 great grandkids are just an idea even though she sees them on holidays, etc. She is 86.

Her big issues were nutrition and taking her fairly complex meds on schedule. She was not eating well and could never remember her meds which impacted her physical health. That lead to the placement in assisted living.

We got control of her finances pretty early. Seniors are a big target for scams. My well off ex father in law ended up destitute the last several years of his life after refusing financial oversight many times. His paid off nice home on 20 acres and all possessions were auctioned off when he died to pay his debts.

Superman · 01-04-2023, 06:37 AM

Thanks, Baz. This is helpful and timely. We are currently dealing with a MIL/FIL situation.

Baz · Baz's Garage

Thanks, guys!

My heart goes out to you and those you are trying to help.

Sharing our situations and stories is very helpful.

I'm still trying to figure a lot of this out......

William930t · 01-04-2023, 04:14 PM

THANKS for putting this reference together, quite relevant information as my sister and I deal with our rapidly declining 95 year old mother.

Dad at 97 is doing quite well in comparison.

Baz · Baz's Garage

Mom has been acting a little crazy the past couple weeks or so and it finally dawned on me today she may have another UTI.

She had one back in October and we treated it with an antibiotic and got it cleared up and her personality seemed to return for the most part.

I will get another urine sample to her doctor tomorrow for diagnostics so we can get her back on a treatment.

I called our prospective caregiver this afternoon and she brought up the same thing. I wish I had thought of this earlier, like a week ago at least so we could have gotten to it quicker. She has a home health nurse who visits Mom every Thursday and I'm surprised she didn't bring this up. But it is what it is.

I saw an ad for a company who offers pro-active management for urinary health and will look into this too:

https://uqora.com/

Baz · Baz's Garage

Also, I know there are quite a few forums out there, but this is one I ran across I found helpful:

https://www.agingcare.com/caregiver-forum

fanaudical · fanaudical's Garage

Thanks for posting this. My dad passed a couple years ago. My mom is 86 and refusing help...

fintstone · fintstone's Garage

My experience with nursing homes with elder family members was that the many we tried were uniformly horrible (if the person was not pretty much able to care for themselves). Of course, I am only familiar with 6 or 7. I plan to live frugally enough while healthy that I can afford to buy my way out of them when the time comes so my wife and I can both die at home.

astrochex · 01-21-2023, 07:39 AM

My mom will be moving to a private apartment at a facility with memory care. Cost is beyond $7k/mo, yikes. She will have many things from home there, bed, dresser, pictures etc. The transition is not expected to be easy. The facility says no family contact for the first 2-3 weeks. That is going to be a very difficult time for all.

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