After 21 years... she's leaving

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by notfarnow

man, I can relate to so much of this. Well put.

I like to think I'm on the upswing now, and I'll say this: *Everything* is different now, and it's been my job to make sure that at any fork in the road, I make things BETTER than they were before. I think it's made me more accountable, especially to myself.

One of the nicest changes is that I find it a lot easier to eatablish and maintain clearer boundaries expectations with relationships. That alone has been a huge game changer.

It's a rough go, but it can be like hitting "reset". How you rebuild is up to you. Once you have your head on straight, that part can be pretty exciting.

Well said notfarnow and pavulon. It is great that both of you can express your feelings so readily. I would like to add Lee that when a partner says that he/she wants out it can be a complete surprise. In my case in my first marriage it was me that wanted out and I left.
It was likely devastating for my first wife but I was not happy. Do I blame my first wife? No as I say to myself we were not right for each other. A coworker said after the fact that she knew it was not going to work! I met my second wife a few weeks after I split up with the first. Some would say too soon but it has worked well for my current wife and I. I say to you Lee hang in there. Do not blame yourself. I never went for counselling but I talked to some coworkers instead. I still recommend a councilor. Hang in there as it will get better in time.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Great in theory but I've seen guys left with less than half their net worth and entire retirement plans destroyed - and left more or less homeless (lost the house, now forced to find a new place to live with no money and shattered credit - good luck). That's pretty hard to come back from.

[Gretch]

Recycled has a very good point....... choose someone you can confide in who will listen to you. People pay for counseling when they don't have that confidant in their network of close friends.

talking out your feelings is a good thing and helps stabilize your thoughts and deal with the incremental changes you MUST make to get to a peaceful place.

The other thing is that some people have great difficulty dealing with change. As hard as it is for these people, they are their own worst enemy because they avoid change and yet it is inevitable. Then when it is forced on them, BANG, hard times.

Embrace change, practice it, get use to it........ it is the normal condition of existence....... developing the ability to deal with change constructively will be the best personal improvement you may ever make.

Lee, there are LOT of fish in the sea............ get through the "knothole" here and when you are ready, embrace your new freedom!

[Crowbob]

When I went through it not only did everything change materially (as in went away) I embarked on a complete and total 100% reversal of my philosophy of life, love, friendships and family. And that was just the beginning.

Retrospectively, almost everything I thought I knew was...wait for it...WRONG. To involuntarily jettison everything is one thing but to realize even the most basic ideas and constructs upon which I had lived my life were deceptions.

To say my life changed is an absurd understatement. I literally was left with the change in my pocket and could not even buy food until next payday. My job was the one single part of my life that remained and was my only lifeline. To have been forced to strip away the veneers of security, love and family and to discover in an instant that the real world I thought I knew was false in every way imaginable demolished everything, including my own self.

Quite literally, in a span of mere minutes, I realized my survival and very existence, including any
legacy I hoped to construct, required rebuilding from the ground up.

Seriously, not one hour has gone by in the nearly 40 years since, that I express my gratitude for having discovered what love, laughter and life are all about.

[targa911S]

when I went through mine, everything I had was in two plastic garbage bags. I had a POS car, and had to live in a crappy motel week to week. It sucks. It's emotionally draining. I drank myself to sleep every night for months. Then one day I went to AA, got sober, changed my life and to this day I'm still recovering. My life is good, I have a wonderful wife of 35 years now, my kids are in my life, and I have no regrets about that first relationship other than the fact that it happen. Many lessons learned that I won't do again. You will see. Time is what it takes.

[Seahawk]

You guys are all amazing.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by seahawk

you guys are all amazing.

u2

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

You guys are all amazing.

Amen to that, there are some powerful stories here. Respect.

[rattlsnak]

Wow, some hard luck stories there! I couldn't imagine it that way. My situations have been completely the opposite. I have gone through TWO divorces, ( of 7 and 15 years) and in both, I came out WAY ahead financially and property wise and mentally. I kept all of my cars/house, possessions, etc. and couldn't be happier. Did I miss the family/love/security, etc.? of course, but you have to [simply] let it go and turn the page and go forward and never look back. Don't dwell on certain aspects of your failed marriage and think, what could I have done differently, or I wish I would have done this or that, and so on. Think about the good times and keep those memories but MOVE FORWARD. There will be other women, there will be other dates, and sooner or later, you will find someone else whom you fall deeply in love with. If someone is still having issues/not over/bitter about the divorce after 4-6 weeks, let alone 3-4 years, then they need to see someone and get some professional help. (I mean no disrespect to anyone in particular when i say that) As mentioned above, it will cause you many other problems and issues in every other aspect of your life. I have been very fortunate to get over mine very quickly and it helps to have a mind where i am able to compartmentalize everything. I truly feel for those who can't. But The older you get, the easier it will be to find the right girl. You know more now of want you want/don't want, and so will she, and you're both less likely to change as the years go on so much better shot at finding a true fit and a lasting marriage. My hat is off to those who have found their dream girl at a young age and are still with them and happy today after years and years. But for the rest of us, it's a work in progress and you are not alone.

[notfarnow]

Originally Posted by Porsche-O-Phile

Great in theory but I've seen guys left with less than half their net worth and entire retirement plans destroyed - and left more or less homeless (lost the house, now forced to find a new place to live with no money and shattered credit - good luck). That's pretty hard to come back from.

Ha, no kidding!

Funny thing is, the Porsches saved my ass. Both were apart at the time, the SC for a transmission and other issues, the 964 had been written off and I'd bought it back from the insurance company. We had the cars appraised, and she kept the "good" car, and I kept the two broken Porsched and my Big Dumb Truck.

I worked my ass off to get the 964 back together, working at night in an unheated garage. I sold it for a significant profit, and that was the downpayment on my house *just in time* before I filed my 2014 taxes and would no longer have been able to get a mortgage, with outstanding tax debt. I bought my grandmothers old house, which was languishing on the market, and now I work on that when the kids are asleep on the nights I have them. Building equity quickly, but man, I'm tired.

If everything goes as planned, Ill have my debts cleared by this time next year. If not, I'll have to sell the SC, but that's ok as long as I get to enjoy it a bit beforehand.

Either way, I refuse to be the victim of circumstance, other people, or myself. On any given day, there is an opportunity to make progress of some sort... that's one great thing about having a bunch of broken stuff

[Crowbob]

As rattlesnak eloquently notes above, recovery is as individual as your fingerprint. For me, bitterness was the fuel for my engine of survival. It took many years for me to correctly identify the source of that bitterness. During that time, there were extended periods early on where even my parents sustained my unspeakable wrath. It passed. Just as a visceral hatred that I had never previously known to be able to exist was directed at my ex. also passed. Eventually, one day, against even my own will, the faint light of dawn pierced the darkness and toxicity to which I had escaped and had allowed myself to dwell.

Months and years would grind in me. Slowly it became routine to suddenly wake on those darkest and all too frequent nights, damp with sweat, chest pounding against gut, a scream from my throat echoing in my ears.

That passed.

[targa911S]

you know you have arrived when you become indifferent.

[speeder]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

Amen to that, there are some powerful stories here. Respect.

Yep. This page alone is inspirational.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by targa911S

you know you have arrived when you become indifferent.

Good one! Love is not the opposite of hate. Indifference is!

[Crowbob]

Ten full years, an entire decade consumed my life. That long and winding road led me to places as divergent as sitting for a nationally broadcast interview on NPR or standing toe to toe against two judges, in their sacrosanct chambers, directly, forcibly and sometimes loudly informing them that their coveted institution is an obscenity and sham to partying with naked women on an open yacht, all evidence of land below the horizon in every direction.

It passed.

[creaturecat]

Originally Posted by onewhippedpuppy

amen to that, there are some powerful stories here. Respect.

+2

[Crowbob]

At one point, like a fool on a hill, I stood, raised fist and extended finger in defiance and hatred, pointing to the heavens cursing a God I had not been previously more than casually acquainted to for forsaking me.

It passed.

[Norm K]

Sorry, I don't have time to read through the entire thread and I'm not inclined to share my divorce story here (suffice it to say it closely mirrors that of others) but I will say this: If your ultimate destination is inner peace, contentment and happiness you'll reach it only by way of the high road.


_

[notfarnow]

I'm eating a hamburger while laying on the couch. Know who's gonna be pissed about that? No one.

[Crowbob]

Exactly correct and thank you for it, Norm.

I remember standing, one foot on the ground, bearing the load, the other waiting to slide my self into a battered and beat up pick up truck, peering through the filthy window of the open door, in tattered clothes one Sunday afternoon as my son, pleading in all of his glorious and glittering innocence enveloped by footed pajamas, to stay with him a little while longer. All the while, with his clean and sparkling image further obscured by the grey and leaden weight of my tears of guilt and rage, I said:

I can't.

That also passed.