Autistic Child

NY65912 · 06-27-2026, 07:10 AM

I have 5 grandkids. One, my oldest has been diagnosed as " mildly" autistic. He has always exhibited signs that I, my daughter and SIL whom are both educators have picked up on as well as my sister and BIL whom were school principals. I have spoken to my son and his wife and they would always respond with, "his teachers say he is wonderful and extremely intelligent", so he doesn't need any special attention. My SIL works for the NYC Dept of Ed and places kids with special needs for services.

I have been extremely close with my grandson from the moment he was born. We have spent every available hour together, fishing, swimming, video games, etc. It is so painful to see his development not keeping up with his age. He is gifted in math and can tell you every minute detail of his favorite video games. But it can be very difficult to have a conversation as he wanders off on to different thoughts. Thankfully his teacher has finally recommend he get counseling, which he loves.

It is a heartbreak to see him struggle in social situations. I would do anything to help him. When he has a sleepover we have a blast and he doesn't want to go home which then upsets him and his parents. They try hard to help but they are the parents and there is only so much my wife and I are able to do. We adjust to him. I used to try to mold him in to boy in my own image and that was wrong. We have to let him be himself. He is a very considerate, well behaved and respectful boy. We can only support him on his journey.

I'd love to hear if anyone has delt with a similar circumstance.

Thanks for listening. Cheers

oldE · 07:37 AM

Our granddaughter is on the spectrum. She has lived with us since the age of 9 months. Hardly noticeable until about 5 years ago. In the last year, puberty has hit and communication has become an issue. She has a dozen things on the go, with few brought to the finish line. She is a pack rat, carrying so much stuff around in her backpack it amazes me. Good sense of humor and has a few good friends but doesn't understand the ebb and flow of pre-teen relationships.
My wife taught elementary and middle school for over 3 decades, so she has a better handle on things than I, but at times she finds things very stressful.
Some professionals refer to this as neurologicaly divergent. My son says he thinks of his niece and others like her as neurologicaly spicy.
Hang in there.

Zeke · 06-27-2026, 07:36 AM

Close to the situation but did not raise an autistic child. Letting him be his own person while observing for any potential problems, like the ability to drive a car, sounds right to me. There are certainly all levels. I think just knowing is a lot.

LWJ · 06-27-2026, 08:16 AM

Well. My parents and brother (undiagnosed but pretty damn certain) are on the spectrum. My eldest child, my niece are clearly diagnosed. My youngest has some tendencies as do many others in my surrounding family. So there are lots of awkward pauses when talking with my family members.

Some are super high performing. Some are handicapped in a significant way.

My eldest is a great example of a success. Diagnosed just after 8th grade. Clearly a different child from the get go. My kid has pretty severe OCD and nasty anxiety, so they really struggle with things most people do easily. Like eat. My kid is possibly below 100 lbs now at age 26. The least they have weighed since age 12 maybe? But, they have their own apartment. They are happy. They have a great online social life and visit in person with friends a couple of times a year. They have some pet rats that are the absolute center of their existence and give them purpose.

Of my three children, my eldest (spectrum) child is most equipped for me to check out of Planet Earth. They are mostly happy, somewhat healthy. And are self sufficient.

My advice: Find things that are not difficult for your grandchild. My kid does tons of really weird stuff. Why? Mostly anxiety avoidance. When I learned this, it was easier to understand and occasionally accomodate them. Example: germ-phobia. They open cabinets with their feet to keep hands "clean."

Good luck. There seem to be many more spectrum-y people around now.

3rd_gear_Ted · 3rd_gear_Ted's Garage

Some thing to consider, I have a grand son within the spectrum in early adulthood.
We struggle as a family on what to do and the long term ramifications.
Conservatorship or not?
Apply for Social Security or not?

Please share your thoughts?

NY65912 · 06-27-2026, 08:49 AM

My grandson does exhibit anxiety when presented with change/new people. He does his stimming when playing his video games, flapping and standing on his toes. He also started with a stutter about 4 years ago. That is when I feel his autism really became evident, he was about six. I feel he hasn't progressed socially since. He has a great appetite. It's just like he's stuck developmentally.

Thanks for the comments.

Zeke · 06-27-2026, 08:53 AM

Man, I know about family struggles. That's worse than the problem itself. What I suggest is settle on a professional, either doctor or counselor, and agree to abide by that person's agenda. That in itself may be a hurdle, but once one direction for every issue is agreed, things should ease up until someone decides they know more than a professional.

That having been said, not all professionals deliver the goods so you have to be open about that, but still maintain the ranks. So if there is disagreement, it should focus on the one person the rest will agree with, not the person that is the subject.

Steve Carlton · 06-27-2026, 09:00 AM

I'm curious- how much better could he do with the proper care? Are his parents hindering his development much?

NY65912 · 06-27-2026, 09:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Steve Carlton

I'm curious- how much better could he do with the proper care? Are his parents hindering his development much?

They are finally accepting the fact that he is different. They have been in denial for sure. Going forward I am confident that my grandson will receive the proper support. But, his parents were an obstacle because of their pride perhaps.

masraum · 06-27-2026, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NY65912

I have 5 grandkids. One, my oldest has been diagnosed as " mildly" autistic. He has always exhibited signs that I, my daughter and SIL whom are both educators have picked up on as well as my sister and BIL whom were school principals. I have spoken to my son and his wife and they would always respond with, "his teachers say he is wonderful and extremely intelligent", so he doesn't need any special attention. My SIL works for the NYC Dept of Ed and places kids with special needs for services.

It is a heartbreak to see him struggle in social situations. I would do anything to help him. When he has a sleepover we have a blast and he doesn't want to go home which then upsets him and his parents. They try hard to help but they are the parents and there is only so much my wife and I are able to do. We adjust to him. I used to try to mold him in to boy in my own image and that was wrong. We have to let him be himself. He is a very considerate, well behaved and respectful boy. We can only support him on his journey.

I'd love to hear if anyone has delt with a similar circumstance.

Thanks for listening. Cheers

It sounds like you and others in his life are aware and potentially knowledgeable. I think these days, if you want to be more knowledgeable there are probably lots of resources. I think you're on the right track with the "let him be himself" idea. Maybe read up and try to help clue him in on social stuff where you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NY65912

They are finally accepting the fact that he is different. They have been in denial for sure. Going forward I am confident that my grandson will receive the proper support. But, his parents were an obstacle because of their pride perhaps.

That's great. The wife and I suspect our oldest grandson could be on the spectrum, but I think his parents are in denial. I suspect the missus and I may be mildly on the spectrum, but were never/have never been diagnosed. We've just muddled through.

I certainly could have used some help, but didn't know what the problem was to ask for help, and no one else recognized things back in the 80s, so... Social stuff through HS and college sucked, but improved over time, I think just because things get less "cliquey" as you get older.

Good luck, to you and him, but it sounds like things are on a positive path.

LWJ · 06-27-2026, 10:31 AM

I think two pieces of info that are useful for parents / grandparents of disabled children.

1) Check out getting a ABLE account.
2) Consider a Special Needs Trust

I would never do the Conservatorship, but a Special Needs Trust accomplishes the goals of a Conservatorship with, hopefully, less conflict and maybe less cost.

Por_sha911 · Por_sha911's Garage

My daughter is a professional counselor and works exclusively with people on the spectrum. These suggestions are not personal opinions but from a expert with a proven track record of results with clients who received no benefit from the typical counselors who were highly successful with clients that were not on the spectrum.

1) Make sure that any counselor he gets specializes in clients on the spectrum. Neuro -typical counselors are fantastic but the methods they use are almost always useless when trying to help neuro-divergent clients.

2) The parents need training from someone who can educate them on what is going on inside their son's head and how they can communicate with him in a way that will have the best results. Communication, discipline and guidelines for the son have to be done differently. Think of it this way: you can't explain to someone how to do something using English when the person only speaks Swahili. You have to communicate in a way the son will understand. Just because the son understands the words you say doesn't mean he will grasp the concepts you want to convey.

MMiller · 06-27-2026, 12:13 PM

I was the GM for an ABA company here in NM before I retired. We solely worked with kids on the Autism spectrum, some very young up through late teens. The BCBA's and RBT's worked wonders with a lot of those kids. Of course, some of it has to do on where they fall on the spectrum. The younger they get help the better chance they have to make a real difference in their lives.

We worked in clients homes, some had service in their school to help the kids socialize better. We also had a center where kids would come for either a 1/2 day or full day. Some families find the center model most helpful as it got the kids out of the house and around other kids, also nice for the parents as they would get a "break" during the day.

If you choose to work with an ABA company, look for a smaller locally owned company with in house BCBA's. Private equity has caught wind of ABA and like they always do started honing the bottom line. Their BCBA's will probably be via telehealth and live in another state. This does not provide the same level of care as having BCBA's on site. Insurance requires certain minimum hours of oversite by BCBA's with the kids and the RBT's. When I left the business there was a shortage of BCBA's hence the need for telehealth when worrying about the bottom line first. I think the BCBA situation has improved however. The job pays well and I don't think AI can replicate it.

Best to all, they are really wonderful kids but do come with various challenges. I found it to be a very rewarding job. Their success would bring big smiles to the kids, their parents and our staff.

NY65912 · 06-27-2026, 01:49 PM

I truly appreciate the suggestions and thoughts. This is why I posted this subject here, because of the vast knowledge base. My grandson J received his 4th grade report card and every subject was above his grade other than his participation and expressing some concepts.

I will look into all you guys suggested.

Thanks so much. It seems J relaxes the most when we are together. I guess we don't put pressure on him.

Cheers, Mike

berettafan · 05:14 PM

I don't have direct experience but several clients have kids who struggle to function due to autism. The best success I've seen of late is one who managed to get a job with USPS. It has thus far proven to be the perfect place for a person who desperately needs to create order and thrives on repeated process.

I do think 'mildly autistic' can be one heck of a curse for folks who don't exhibit the most obvious of symptoms and can be written off as just weird or rude. God bless your grandson and you for loving him so much.

What I do see my clients getting help from is small support groups with other parents of autistic kids. Things like who hires autistic kids, how to get various fed/state benefits and just plain coping with a reality that wasn't expected all seem to come from these groups.

john70t · 06-28-2026, 01:43 AM

Autism is hyper-sensitivity to my understanding. Too much information and they shut down in a loop. A stuck loop.

(radio blip on the radio today from a parent dealing with it):
Ask a question instead of blame.
Introduce the idea that there are many paths available.
And that every one of them is wonderful!

That might be right or wrong. But just being there, spending time together, makes more difference than anything.
Love conquers all.

Por_sha911 · Por_sha911's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by john70t

Autism is hyper-sensitivity to my understanding.

Hyper sensitivity is one of the symptoms. The autistic brain processes information in a different fashion (and in some cases doesn't read the information). For instance, many people on the spectrum can't read social ques like changes in vocal tone or facial expressions. They can't read if the other person is joking or serious or even angry.

Love does help with the relationship within the family BUT it is of no help to the autistic person when they have to deal with the real world.

monoflo · 06-28-2026, 11:57 AM

Be positive -my Godson is autistic -lives on his own - a sweet and loving 35 year old man.

An excellent artist -selling lots of his creations -(thanks to his Dad - a retired marketing wiz).

Challenged on some things of course -- and is of course covered by a trust. we should all be as "normal" as he.

Por_sha911 · Por_sha911's Garage

Important additional thought:
To be clear, much of what I have said above can be dependent on to how high or low functioning the individual is. There many people who are high functioning and high masking. The average neuro-typical wouldn't spot it but professional help (if nothing else) will help them to understand why they feel different and what they can do to function and enjoy life.

NY65912 · 07-03-2026, 08:01 AM

J and I had a great talk in the pool yesterday. He said that he wants to fit in and he wants to change his personality. This absolutely broke my heart but it does show his awareness of being different. I told him that like all the different flowers that God made every one of us is different and he can grow his personality by trying new things and having different experiences. He can speak to me about personal things better than with his parents, I told him that grandparents see kids differently than parents as well as we are not judgemental. I told him how very much I loved him and that I would always be there for him. We had a wonderful day.