After 21 years... she's leaving

[Halm]

Hang tough, Wayne. As the others have said, it will get better.

[recycled sixtie]

Originally Posted by sand_man

I really feel for anyone going through this. BTDT, as mentioned elsewhere in this thread!

We initially tried the "married living separately" thing in the same house (for the benefit of the kids); I moved into the guest room. She constantly talked schitt about me to her family and friends...making sure I could hear her conversations. That house was ice cold! Unbearable! When I started looking for an apartment, she found out about it, packed my clothes into garbage bags, and threw me out...this all unfolded in front of my kids. She was actually getting physical during that confrontation; yelling, pushing, slapping! I had to go. For the next two weeks, I pretty much lived all over the place (including my car) until an apartment became available. Those were dark times.

I have long since moved on, but I remember some of those events so vividly. I wonder, does a person ever really get past it? Even being in a a healthy long-term relationship now, I occasionally feel haunted.

Seeing that you are asking that question "does a person ever really get past it?" I will attempt to answer it. Likely you will. Problems like those events pop up in your mind because they were stressful so they keep coming back. Easy to say move on but I think that is what a person should do. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors but I think in many cases there are horrendous events but many stay together through thick and thin. These events become less memorable as you immerse yourself in your interests. At the age of 70 I really don't have much interest in conflict. The senses are somewhat dulled. I don't have the energy I had at 60. I think it is necessary to focus on what you have rather than what you don't have.

And don't forget that the next relationship may not be much better than the first.
If a person has not learned anything from a bad marriage then it is easy to repeat the whole process.

I will shut up now. Life is what you make it. It will get better.

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by sand_man

I really feel for anyone going through this. BTDT, as mentioned elsewhere in this thread!

We initially tried the "married living separately" thing in the same house (for the benefit of the kids); I moved into the guest room. She constantly talked schitt about me to her family and friends...making sure I could hear her conversations. That house was ice cold! Unbearable! When I started looking for an apartment, she found out about it, packed my clothes into garbage bags, and threw me out...this all unfolded in front of my kids. She was actually getting physical during that confrontation; yelling, pushing, slapping! I had to go. For the next two weeks, I pretty much lived all over the place (including my car) until an apartment became available. Those were dark times.

I have long since moved on, but I remember some of those events so vividly. I wonder, does a person ever really get past it? Even being in a a healthy long-term relationship now, I occasionally feel haunted.

~~~~~~~~~`
Her behaviors that you list are definitive Borderline Personality Disorder.
Google, if inclined.

[sand_man]

Originally Posted by Don Ro

~~~~~~~~~`
Her behaviors that you list are definitive Borderline Personality Disorder.
Google, if inclined.

I encouraged her to get help during the marriage. Even when I tried with tact. And that we would do it together. It always turned into an argument with her sarcastically stating: "Oh, I see, so it's all me...I'm the problem! You're just Mr. Perfect...!" You can see where this was going. And of course, I was not "Mr. Perfect", nor did I ever claim to be.

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

[Don Ro]

Originally Posted by sand_man

I encouraged her to get help during the marriage. Even when I tried with tact. And that we would do it together. It always turned into an argument with her sarcastically stating: "Oh, I see, so it's all me...I'm the problem! You're just Mr. Perfect...!" You can see where this was going. And of course, I was not "Mr. Perfect", nor did I ever claim to be.

Back to our regularly scheduled program...

Yep! That's it. A pure type.
It's as if they all were raised by the same person...as if they all read the same book, the same chapter, the same page.
Highly defensive.
BTDT.
Good for you, brother.

[motion]

Wayner, I'm feeling for ya, buddy. I think you'll be one of the first to signup for a motorcycle adventure with us

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

[Evans, Marv]

My first wife & I never fought or argued but over our ten years of marriage, our lives evolved in separate directions professionally and socially. I recognized that and planned to make my exit. When she was in Peru, I rented an apartment, moved everything I was taking (which wasn't much beyond my tools & clothes) and left her a letter on the floor inside the front door saying, Dear Xxxxxx, I have gone and will not be returning." When she returned, one of her girlfriends brought her home from the airport. The ironic thing is that the girlfriend's former husband had done the exact same thing to her the year before. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders, because I was out of a relationship that just wasn't working out & appreciated the opportunity to get out for a fresh start. If you can, I think concentrating on the fact you have the opportunity of starting with a fresh slate and looking forward to a good restart is the key. Best of luck to you wayner.

[wayner]

Thank you everyone

Lees thread has been a good starting point for me

My kind amecable soon to be ex wife has suddenly gone berserk

We were to split as friends (she initiated). I think the angry woman's club has gotten her...
(There is massive pain behind any of my attempts an humor)

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by wayner

Thank you everyone

Lees thread has been a good starting point for me

My kind amicable soon to be ex wife has suddenly gone berserk

We were to split as friends (she initiated). I think the angry woman's club has gotten her...
(There is massive pain behind any of my attempts an humor)

Unfortunately, this is quite normal. As I said several pages ago, with mine, once the legal work was done, plus a couple of months, we were back to "friendly" terms, mostly she wanted advice from someone she trusted.

Don't despair, but do prepare. Get the best lawyer you can get to protect yourself. Do not expect you will get off scott free, or even to expect a 50/50 settlement. But work towards moving on as quickly as possible, to start the healing.

[Seahawk]

Wayner, there is a ton of hard earned wisdom in this thread.

Originally Posted by LeeH

At the advice of my brother, I went on Meet Up right after she left. I tripped across a divorce support group that was meeting at a restaurant 10 minutes away that very evening. I argued with myself for a long time before I finally made the trip to the car and drove over. BEST thing I could have done. The group really got me through the hard part via support, camaraderie, and a whole bunch of new friends who'd already been where I was and where I was going. Cool thing is that I know I have made lifelong friends from the group. We get together for hikes, dinners, etc. Divorce is rarely a topic of conversation unless someone just needs to vent.

We have all watched divorces play out with friends and acquaintances...try and get the lawyers out of it as soon as possible. They are the only winners and, frankly, foment chaos to keep the billable clock ticking.

Good luck and reasoning, health and perspective. You can do this....the only easy day was yesterday.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the divorce lawyers.
(PPOT/Threadpst#374), Seahawk to Wayner

[Evans, Marv]

I wonder if the change of disposition might come from the realization they are going to be on their own and solely responsible for themselves, which might trigger some panic & desperation. As James said, after some time and the realization she was receiving trustful support, things settled down.

[larrydickman]

Sorry to hear the news Wayner. I've been going through it for 5 years and it is a roller coaster. I put up with the criticism, anger and depression for too many years before I finally left. Anger and bitterness are very contagious and it can grind you down.

We are finally reaching the end, property has been divided and I can finally move on. Texting is the primary communication and the bitterness and anger from her is still alive and well. I just don't have to engage her anymore, what's she gonna do divorce me?

Fortunately kids were not involved so it made it a bit easier. I'm satisfied with the judgement and will pay a lump sum to avoid spousal support. Having good legal advice was key along with an excellent mediator who resolved everything in 5 hours (after 3 years of depositions, and other BS).

Keep your chin up, it's not going to be sunshine and lollipops every day but believe me, it will get better. In the end you will feel a metamorphosis and wonder why you stayed for so long.

[wayner]

She certainly seems to have suddenly gone into panic mode

Fortunately kids are grown and gone.
Texting seems to be causing more problems than it is solving.
Making up unintended interpretations

I don't earn that much more but I believe I have much more earning potential.
As such I have zero problem with her getting all the equity from the house and moving on mortgage free into her new place that she says she wants.

But something went wrong in the interpretation of how to get there.
Thus, I am living in my truck for a bit.

[larrydickman]

Originally Posted by wayner

She certainly seems to have suddenly gone into panic mode

When they're riding the gravy train with biscuit wheels, and suddenly they realize how good they had it, and now Hubby Moneybags is gone, they get soured up real quick.

[red-beard]

LDM - You have a point

And 5 years?!? Worst one for me took 8 months. #2, because it was Massachusetts, it took 4 months to property settlement, which is basically done. Then there is a 90 days "waiting period" and your are divorced.

[wayner]

I think her perfect version of reality was separate residences but one plutonic relationship with none of my socks to pick up.

While hurting badly, I was willing to help her get set up and make sure that she was safe and financially stable and debt free.

Somehow she misinterpreted something and is lawyering up for fight suddenly.

Though she has apparently been harboring these grass is greener thoughts much longer than I ever imagined, and announced this to me and distanced herself from me leaving me hurting more after the announcement, I think for her the panic of reality is setting in, that she can't leave me and have me at the same time.

Before she just wanted to leave me, now she wants to do me in...
I just want to feel normal again.


(before this reconciliation was not an acceptable option to her and I hung on to that hope for too long causing myself further injury and business distraction, leaving me an emotional wreck, and, with no current business on the table due to the distraction, but still having some resources in reserve, now living in my truck to preserve them out of sudden irrational fear on my part that I will go bankrupt )

Im going to keep my head down and try not to engage, while I try to regain some personal stability. I'm a mess and can't believe that I am opening up my feeling to anyone at all. Im not who I used to be right now.

Thank you.
I mean you. All of you

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by wayner

IBefore she just wanted to leave me, now she wants to do me in...I just want to feel normal again.

Im going to keep my head down and try not to engage, while I try to regain some personal stability. I'm a mess and can't believe that I am opening up my feeling to anyone at all. Im not who I used to be right now.

If you are not already, start working out again as soon as possible, hard.

If my couch wasn't in Maryland, it would be yours.

Always remember who you are, don't let this change that. Face the wind.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Sorry to hear this is happening to someone else. My advice won't add much to what has been said already. Take care of yourself, it does get better over time. Don't do anything rash. Don't be overly generous at the beginning thinking you will avoid a fight later on. I was extremely lucky when my ex and I both mutually decided to end the marriage. We went through a mediated settlement, etc. I will say that once she got a lawyer, her demands went up for a bit. I guess I'm saying, be careful what you agree to early on as likely she will want more as the process unfolds......

[wayner]

I park near a gym, wake up, work out for an hour and shower and dress into business clothes for the day to complete one of my last few weeks work engagements.

At the end of the day I eat, and spend the rest of the day at the gym cycling and lifting then change for the night.

Weekends I visit the gym 3 times a day. Its all I do now.

I can't feel anything when my body hurts...

[Rikao4]

tough for sure..
one thing for sure for me..
if she ever drops that bomb..
she's the one sleeping in the truck..well Volvo..

W you know her friends..
any twice / trice divorcee's among them..
that's were she's getting her advice..

step away..let your Lawyer handle it..
and quit being nice..
civil sure..but stop with the..
what did I do wrong..
as you didn't..
but it's done..
and was done by her..


Rika