After 21 years... she's leaving

[Steve F]

Wayner, good for you! I congratulate you on your progress! You are going to be alright
Still good for the beers if you get down my way

[recycled sixtie]

Well I can see the introspection is continuing which is not a bad thing but on the other hand too much navel gazing can get tedious. It is indeed good to see you out and about.

I have said it before that a good counselor is really helpful. The big thing is that a counselor is not going to take sides(unlike a lawyer).

I am the first to admit after my first marriage that I was as much to blame for the problems as she was. Fortunately we did not have children and my second wife who I met shortly after did not either.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your having your own place and a girlfriend keeps her own place. Any time you move in together the dynamics change.
I met a fellow many years ago whose wife died relatively young. He stated that if he met another woman he was interested in that she would not inherit anything from him as his children would get everything. Not a bad way of doing it.

However children do complicate a relationship. Step children etc.
Also note that even in good marriages there can be issues and arguments.
It seems that you are well able to detect any game playing on the part of the opposite sex. That is good. My apologies if I come over too fatherly.
Cheers, Guy

[recycled sixtie]

And Wayne if you are not too far away in Saskatchewan I could drive up in my Miata and pick you up at the airport where you fly in to and take you to your motorbike(likely Spring time). I am always looking for an excuse for a road trip and getting out of Dodge.

Cheers, Guy.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by wayner

As flatbutt said, I also go to bed with someone I love every night. ME!

Flat also wrote the below in another thread.

Originally Posted by flatbutt

But I know this...I'm not deferring any chance for moments of joy.

“Moments of joy” is to me key. Happiness and joy are expressed in moments...no one is exempt from sorrow and doubt, disappointment and the pains of life.

Understanding that and knowing how best to organize life for accepting the moments of joy amidst the storms we all face is important, at least to me.

I wish you the Best. Your post is obviously the result of much introspection.

[john70t]

Powerful stuff wayner. You nailed it.

The other day I got out the cat fishing pole thingamabob and got him chasing it around a little. He was a little nonplussed at first but got into it. Realized it's been ages since I did that last. Usually it's "What do you need? I'm busy." Coincidentally he stopped being a brat to the dog and getting him wound up at me. Life seems to feel better at a subconscious level, despite even more things going wrong, but those things also become new when they get fixed.

I realized I hadn't been trying for a long time. I'd stopped smelling the roses by self-choice and/or training. If I had wanted us to go out and do something it was always "no" before. Unless it was her agenda calling of course. Then self-determination and a refusal would be tantamount to the nuclear option. Maybe it was fear of the unknown that made me stay with her. Maybe it was guilt. It really was my choice and my fault for letting her treat me that way. But we are born alone and we die alone.

[sammyg2]

A point to ponder:
the happiest men I have met were a-holes who loved themselves and didn't give a flying fook what anyone else thought.

Self-reflection is healthy, in small doses.

Isn't fun the best thing to have?

[wayner]

Well, the best thing that come out of this self reflection is unravelling all of the brainwashing and blame etc, that when heard often enough you begin to believe

While I still have a ways to banish some of those now ingrained beliefs, I realize clearly that while she tried hard in many areas and in some ways was the perfect woman, that I was alone in working on improvements

All she could do was more of what she could do
(Cook even more fabulous meals etc, but her main improvement mechanism was to wait and see)

Self reflection was not a tool that she seemed to possess, and I couldn’t be the only one to do that.

I started off a strong confident guy who would not take **** from anyone, but
By the end there was nothing left of me

The boiling frog analogy fits well, it snuck on me and I guess in hindsight I did not do enough to look out for me. I didn’t think I had to, I thought we were a team, and by the time that I realized I had to, it was too late

I wasn’t perfect, but at least I knew it and was always willing to do something about it

I’ll close this off with this:

1) I took on too much responsibility and it took its toll
2) She listened to the wrong people and squandered our happiness

I’m off to reinvent ME
Wayner out

[wayner]

..

[sc_rufctr]

I've been divorced for over 15 years and I'm having a ball. My kids are grown and I do pretty much whatever I like.
This may sound stupid but I can sleep in on a Saturday without getting nagged. That one thing alone has been wonderful.

I like women but I'm in no hurry to do anything. I just hang our with my friends and have fun.
No big thing but my mum keeps telling me to find a nice lady and settle down.

[RANDY P]

Keep rollin Wayner, you're gettin there. Good progress- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger is very, very true.

rjp

[sammyg2]

Enjoy life, be happy with yourself, don't focus on your own shortcomings or inadequacies. They'll only bring you down.

Ain't nobody perfect, and too much self-examination becomes compulsive and destructive.
At some point you gotta say F*** it, I'm cool.

It's a self-preservation thing.

[motion]

Originally Posted by wayner

Well, the best thing that come out of this self reflection is unravelling all of the brainwashing and blame etc, that when heard often enough you begin to believe

While I still have a ways to banish some of those now ingrained beliefs, I realize clearly that while she tried hard in many areas and in some ways was the perfect woman, that I was alone in working on improvements

All she could do was more of what she could do
(Cook even more fabulous meals etc, but her main improvement mechanism was to wait and see)

Self reflection was not a tool that she seemed to possess, and I couldn’t be the only one to do that.

I started off a strong confident guy who would not take **** from anyone, but
By the end there was nothing left of me

The boiling frog analogy fits well, it snuck on me and I guess in hindsight I did not do enough to look out for me. I didn’t think I had to, I thought we were a team, and by the time that I realized I had to, it was too late

I wasn’t perfect, but at least I knew it and was always willing to do something about it

I’ll close this off with this:

1) I took on too much responsibility and it took its toll
2) She listened to the wrong people and squandered our happiness

I’m off to reinvent ME
Wayner out

Wayne, I'm glad you're making progress moving forward. Anything in the positive direction is definitely worthwhile.

However... dude, you are really beating yourself up over this. I get that people have different levels of introspection, and the need to "figure things out" before moving on, but at some point, you just gotta click your heels together and say to yourself, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!".

I'm one of those lucky people who wakes up as a new man each and every day. Is that good or bad? I have no idea. I do know that I choose to spend every remaining day I have looking at the world thru the eyes of a young boy, rather than a jaded old guy with a ton of baggage.

For sure, if my wife left me, or I found out she was having an affair, I would be completely destroyed. I would mourn, and think of all the "what ifs" for awhile, but then reason would take over and I would move on. Like flipping a switch.

At your age, you've probably learned about all you're going to learn. You are the person you are... not much that can be done to change you. Endless introspection isn't going to change anything. Stop focusing on blame. It doesn't matter. Her fault, your fault, it doesn't matter. Focus on building good relationships with her and your kids and move on.

My (probably worthless) $0.02 that you didn't ask for

[vash]

i'm with Motion on this one.

i never been divorced, but i have been dumped plenty of times. pale comparison, but not if you distill it down to, someone doesn't like/love me anymore. it's that plain and simple to me. i used to mentally try to drill down into the situation to see where it all went wrong. i obsessed over it.

eff that...that never helps. we get one life to live.

if my wife blew up my life..i would be so sad, but then..like all things, this to shall pass. let the **** pass. all my divorced friends..in the long run, they miss the things they lost in the divorce more than the wife. (like half their pensions)

[Evans, Marv]

^^^^^ What Richard & Cliff said. I also agree you have to move on & let it go. One of the things I learned in life was that people change and you have to accept and respect that, even if it hurts. You can potentially change too and not be the same person you were in a relationship, work environment, life, etc. You can never recapture what has been after it's gone, so you have to put yourself and your life first, let it all go and move on as a new person. Take what opportunities life offers and build on them.

[gatotom]

motion hit the nail on the head. After myself being married for 42 yrs, yes, I am a lucky guy but if things were different, I would not be sad because I have always lived for the moment and today would be just another day to do back flips.

Life is precious, enjoy every minute, now is the only time you own, place no faith in time for the clock may soon be still. Find yourself hoping and you never reach your destination.

[LeeH]

Yep... life's too short. You can't drive the car staring in the rear view mirror.

I was very active in a social divorce support group. I was shocked that there are people who have been legally divorced for 3-5 years who are still very sad and bitter. I just don't get it.

[wayner]

Based on the last few responses I think some have the wrong idea of wh I posted

My update was about progress over the last year, not stuck in the past

Sure in July just before I left on my trip to the Arctic Ocean, I backslid a bit when she made a play for me and I shut her down. I second guessed that but did it based on a pattern I recognized of go away come back, and on my trip I did have self doubt and replayed and questioned my own role, but on the trip motion put it into perspective and snapped that internal loop I was stuck in by pointing out she probably wanted her cake and eat it too

That perspective helped immensely

But having said that, this update was about progress

Step 1 was a long time ago

I’m at step 5
With a admittedly a toe still a bit stuck in step 4
But that natural with the loss of my dog and my annual evaluation of my financial situation as the new year approaches

If there is any rear view mirror looking, it’s to be clear to myself on how I let this all happen without seeing it coming or taking control sooner, with a eye to preventing a repeat situation

So here is to progress

[recycled sixtie]

I think you are doing well Wayne. I think it is important to stay in touch with your children and make yourself available. I don't know how much they are hurting but many times the children of a split up marriage may gravitate towards the mother unless she is a real bear.

Cheers,
Guy

[Nine, Frau!]

She was never yours. It was just your turn. Being single is the way to be, and having just enough is as good as a feast.

[wayner]

Guy

Staying in touch with the kid has been easy and good

The tough part is that her family was my family
The 14 of us would go for dinner every second Friday for years now

18 of us would go on winter vacations

Holidays throughout the year were spent around their table

That will happen again this year but my seat will either be empty or occupied by someone else

My son and riding buddy is moving out of the country

So, right now it sucks a little bit to be me
But moving on and finding new adventures

I’m getting out of dodge next week and staying on the road til after the new year